Alaska before you do....

Paper Tigers

2011-11-05T01:41:00.000-07:00

Love Will Come to You

I guess I wasn't the best one to ask

me myself, with my face pressed up against love's glass

to see the shiny toy, the one I'm hoping for

the one I never could afford

The wide world spins and spits turmoil

and the nations toil, for peace

the paws of fear upon your chest

only love can soothe that beast

and my words are paper tigers, no match for the pedator of pain inside her

and I say love will come to you

hoping just because i spoke the words that their true

as if I offered up a crystal ball to look through

where there's now one, there will be two

I was born under the sign of cancer

like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer

I'm always closing my eyes, and wishing you fine

even though I know you're not this time

and I say love will come to you

hoping just because i spoke the words that their true

as if I offered up a crystal ball to look through

where there's now one there will be two

and I wish her insight, to battle love's blindness

straight from the milk of human kindness

a safe place for all the pieces that scatter

learn to pretend there's more than love that matters...

I hate you. Please don't leave me...

powerful, baffling, and cunning...

2011-11-04T02:53:00.000-07:00

I think about drugs and alcohol...quite a bit, actually. Not because I am missing them...although I am an addict-and i certainly struggle with moments of failing resolve...moments when I want their familiar comforts and promises with every fiber of my being...

I think about them because I am touched in the most profound of ways...they have reached into every corner of my life...

...and I hate this disease...it is a liar and a thief...

..whispering deceptively that everything is okay...telling us to ignore the very things we most need to attend to...leading us in selfish directions...masking pain temporarily, only to brutally abandon us, alone, in even greater agony...

....some of the most intelligent, beautiful... .

...warm, gifted people in my life..deal in one way or another with the endless streams wreckage that addiction gathers around itself...

broken promises...shame....anger....hurt....they are either the victims or purpetrators of the

...cycles that continue to cut swaths of emotionally barren space in our heads and hearts..

...A legacy of pain, as lessons passed from generation to generation are ones of fear, instability, worthlessness, distrust...

..beautiful people who can't see how beautiful they are...

...the selfishness of addiction stalks us...

...and we become dangerous to the same people we love and would normally protect....capable of entertaining the darkest parts of ourselves...and of making the poorest of decisions...

..accumulating damaged friendships, wounded families, betrayed lovers, broken marriages...

...frequently unintentional wounds inflicted as we inhabit the realities of drug and alcohol being an ever-present factor in the way we live...

...normalizing insanity...turning even the greatest of loves and intentions into ongoing stories of torn emotions and unpredictable lives.....

...addiction.

steals people we love from us. or us from them.

lies to us...convincingly telling us to look away from the truths that pull us away from what we know is true and right...

...it breaks our hearts...again and again...

...seduces us with what seems to be a perfect answer...

..and an instant solution to almost any problem we have...there is no waiting in line, no delay in reinforcing the illusions we spin and then try to inhabit...everything is fine. There is no problem.

...as hearts break in every direction...

...leaving scars...creating horrifying memories...helping distrust to banish and attempt to destroy trust in the very places it once lived and thrived......

...altering our experiences by shaping the criteria we use to base our decisions on...

...and then encouraging us to place blame elsewhere for the unpleasant consequences we inevitably endure as we careen through life "under the influence" of an incredibly baffling, cunning, and powerful foe...disguised at first as a trusted and familiar friend...or as a helpful presence in our lives...
we may gradually come to see (if we really look) that we are losing everything real and important ...

...that we are unable to treasure the gifts and blessings we were given or have been offered to us..

mistaking chemically created euphoria for actual joy...mistaking numbness and an impaired ability to feel anything as progress in healing from or enduring emotional pain, confusing instant physical or emotionally pleasurable states after taking a substance as something "real" and good...addiction robs us of our perspectives, of our loving and supportive relationships, it steals our financial resources, stability, happiness, health, self-esteem, our personal pride and sense of honor, ability to be reliable and trustworthy, of our focus motivation, our clarity and autonomy...our spirit, our hope...

...leading us into the dark..."jails, institutions, and death..." will be an inevitable, eventual outcome...and evidence of that is all around me..

..so baffling, cunning and POWERFUL is addiction that even the death of friends and family members directly resulting from drugs or alcohol has not altered use among most i know. because it isn't about simply deciding to no longer be an addict.

as if with each devastating loss that marked an entire life coming apart, I would have chosen to continue the thing that took every good and safe thing around me and left me broken, suicidal, jobless, alone and completely lost...deciding that issue away...many greater than I have attempted.

Fortunately recovery as an entire process and way of being is possible...and there is a program that has been proven to work if willingly embraced...and that fact alone has restored so much hope and life in me...

i hate addiction. hate it.

Still picking things (other than my nose)...

2011-11-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

Here is some proof that I am not dead yet. I have started playing again, and really focusing on music again...and I never regret when I do that. I am only sporadically employed, find myself cold and hungry fairly frequently, tstill end up scattered and unstable with housing, and have to walk or bike almost anywhere I go....and yet I am happier than I have been in a long time....and enjoy being alive once again. I have too many blessings to count...my incredibly supportive, helpful, patient, and loving friends among the top at the list.

I am actively working on a CD, and hope to have it completed by month's end...a long time coming to becertain. I have been invited to teach guitar through the local music store. Life just feels good. I just have some choices to make that involve my heart....not my strongest suit as history has suggested.

I am taking every opportunity to play, write, and record that I can find. see me at a coffee shop/tavern/library/fundraiser/party/studio/open mic/bbq/art walk near you...

I take requests!.....

Pizza Serenade...

2011-06-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

Glad to be back in this most beautiful place...

Played Zola's on the Harbor Boardwalk...the seagulls really seemed to enjoy it, although the Pelicans were a rough crowd. I don't even want to discuss the seals..

4 out of 5 Proctologists Agree....

2011-06-21T19:26:00.001-07:00

Think of the two people in your life who you believe love you in the purest, simplest, most uncomplicated way possible. Just love you...without expectation, and because of who you are. These people are big fans, and smile inside when something good happens to you. They feel pain when you are hurting. They feel defensive when someone threatens you. It just goes without saying that they can trust you.

But, what would it suggest if those very same two people ended up so betrayed and wounded by you that they didn't even want you in their life anymore?

What if common descriptions of you to others included warnings about your character, trustworthiness, or emotional interactions? What if anyone looking at your past would find a trail of broken relationships, hurt feelings, anger, and people who did not think very highly of you? Wounded friends, betrayed lovers, family resentments and skepticism, no one willing to trust anything you say?

It would have taken an awful lot to damage the basic love I felt. Even in a different role in life, my caring would have remained...enduring mistakes, finding forgiveness, emerging in a new way. It would take somehow coming to the conclusion that the person was not who I thought they were at all...and in fact, was a person I needed to protect myself from...one of those basically "bad" people who make habits of using others, and are emotionally kind of cold...accept no real responsibility for wreckage around them...can flip in an instant...and would stab even the people who love them most right in the back...

I can't say I wasn't warned.

Ouch.

Painful yes. A gift to have finally realized what I stubbornly refused to even listen to before, and became hostile with those suggesting what I now see as true...it is....

4 out 5 proctologists agree. Do not bend over in the presence of those type of people.

A Fly In My Annointment...

2011-05-16T19:30:00.001-07:00

Well...

For those of you who may have followed such things, you will undoubtedly be relieved to know this is my very last post mentioning the odyssey that has been my relationship with my former partner...

...and that what has been true for such a very long time...and others knew WAY before I was willing to accept it...is finally okay. And real to me. And something I can face without bitterness, or anger, or even grief at this point. It has taken me since November of 2009 to let go of this person, and to realize that she had "let go" long before that incredibly painful day.

This last time...her coming to me from Phoenix to "try again"...was something different. Of course I listened to words with hope they were true, but from a different emotional space. This time it was almost as if I was hearing them from outside of myself. And when the same thing started happening, I was already braced...sort of expecting it...sort of insulated already. No gym membership, tanning, or designer perfume were going to fix whatever it was that kept the movement towards a job, and finishing school, and meetings, and couples counseling from happening. On the couch at 2pm is, well, on the couch at 2pm. Not being "engaged" in life as it currently was...well...not a shocker, really. It is what it is. And not a thing I could ever fix.

Feelings of "love" towards someone manifest in some sorta unavoidable ways. I am pretty sure that stopped for her about the second year into our relationship. And I had been in love with a memory, and an idea of a person who disappeared for me a long time ago.

Her brother passed....a thing that would have normally sent me into orbit around tending to her pain. A reality that we had talked about happening for six years. When it came...

...I was already checked out, and pretty vocal about it. Too late. And I feel badly about that.

BUT....things have worked out EXACTLY as they were supposed to. This time there is absolutely no pain, no longing, no tears, no wondering "what if...", no anger, even...and I can finally say that I don't want "us" anymore. At all. And I wish her the best. Her last text to me was, "I hate u. Always will..." Which is too bad. I once loved her in the kind of way that takes you through tough times, change, forgiveness...but for that to endure would have required feeling loved in return. That is probably all I would have needed. But, you can't fake that.

It has been comical...if we had a map, and tracked where the last whirlwind year and a half have taken us...across five states...Brookings, Oklahoma City, Spokane, Kennewick, Portland, Redding, Phoenix, and now Pullman...where it all started...as Nicole said, "I'm dizzy. Time to stop..." This has been the most outrageous break-up I have ever heard of. I couldn't have written fiction better than this.

Life is short, and years can be swallowed while settling for less...treading paths that bring no joy or peace...letting fear stop us. I was going to stay here a lot longer than I had wanted to to support Coley finishing school and taking care of some other stuff needing emergent attention. Those things aren't on my plate anymore. My daughter knows I love her. I am about to have the vehicle of my dreams. I know what I want...and I am going after it.

A good friend recently said to me a thing about God's plan for us...how if we are on a path that is consistent with his will and the gifts he gave us, our steps are blessed...annointed...and when it is time to change paths, the blessings lift, and we encounter the difficulties that push us in new directions. I am not a big religion fan, but that idea has resonated with me. Those "difficulties" that push us may seem disappointing or frightening (or tragic) at the time. So far, all things seem to have been happening for a reason in my life...leading me to people I am supposed to encounter....and places I am supposed to be.

I played for my father in Brookings the last time I was there. He said to me, "this is what you should be doing..." It is my "bliss." I may be a good social worker when my emotional life is at peace. It hasn't been for years. And social work-especially in THIS depressing setting where I can't really help anyone-but am frustrated and exhausted every day-is NOT where I am meant to be. For now, at least.

Ironically, Brookings is one of the places I will be soon. Again. Along with other places along the coast...

So, back to life...and the living...

I put notice in at this job I can't stand. I am moving. I am giving music one more spin...

Broken Toe Jo

2011-03-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

Talking to my friend early this morning...walked out of my bedroom and caught my pinky toe on the door.

Because I am smooth like that.

My toe doesn't normally bend like that.

Fortunately she is a nurse. Took one look and said, "yep. That's broken. Good job Jo..."

She offered to set it for me, but that made me feel faint.

So, I have it wrapped, and walked around in a slipper all day at work.

It is turning pretty colors now, and smarts like nothing else.

I never paid a lot of attention to my pinky toe (obviously)...but it really has my attention now. Stupid thing.

I guess I am destined to have a funky pointy outie toe now.

Damn it.

Been Eating Long?

2011-03-24T22:36:00.000-07:00

Connie made St. Patty's Day cupcakes.

I was excited.

Little C n Me...cool cats

2011-03-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

yeah...

too cool for school.

what a boner

2011-03-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

So...

Our Activity Director had some great advice for me today.

"Don't worry about stuff you can't control..."

Geez. "Keep it simple, stupid..." Why do I forget the most basic things?

Work is frustrating. You know, expected to do sixty hours of work in forty hours, expected to think "Corporate" goals (profits) are more important than residents. Expected to perform "compliance" tasks that are really examples of "goal displacement"...in that the whole reason we do them is supposed to be to assure quality service to our residents...but the mandatory completion (or the mechanics of completing) the tasks actually interfere with quality service.

I spend more time putting out fires and pushing papers than I do with the residents.

But,

that is just part of this job.

If you are told to stand up, and sit down...at the same time...then you HAVE to choose one. But, job performance will probably be measured by the one you did NOT choose.

So,

I don't know if I am coming or going.

I just know I am supposed to do both simultaneously.

I can SEE the bone...I can SEE it...

My breath catches...just a little...

2011-03-14T03:47:00.000-07:00

I am really excited about dating...

I mean, there are a lot of fish in the sea.

You know?

Down in the valley, the valley so low...

2011-03-13T14:22:00.002-07:00

November 12, 2009

I had a person say the most wonderful thing to me...healed my heart quite a bit...

She said, "Some people lose the ability to see the gifts that they have been given..." She then proceeded to tell me that I am a gift in her life, even though I am far away right now.

Sometimes the person you need most is the one you didn't think you wanted...

...and I guess the reverse is true also.

The one you think you wanted is the one you least need...

Been sitting in the very place this chapter started...passing the place where we met, the roads we once drove, restaurants we shared, descending into the valley so low (that grade, that smell)...passing our cats' vet, where we had gone to school (Cougar stuff EVERYWHERE...on grain elevators, water towers, barns)...being right where we worked...walked...shopped...lived...it hit me at first, and still catches me unexpectedly sometimes, like a fist around my heart.

But, screw it.

It's all in how I think about it. I don't have regrets. I've got new memories to make.

Love isn't what MAKES you happy. But, it certainly lifts you, inspires you, enhances what you already have. I try to remember what that felt like...to be treasured like that...and I can only imagine how my life will be with love again. Sitting with the heavy absence of it, and the normal grieving of a good memory...along with the constant prodding and repetition of a bad...has only served to give me an obstacle...one I can jump over, but it has hurt regardless.

And angered me at times, given I had AGAIN kept making decisions based on stuff that just wasn't real, and so I could have been doing something else with my time and plans...and resources...and I just LOVE that I was warned repeatedly-I mean, told to RUN...fortunately I was already whole this time, and kind of braced for the truth I sensed anyway...

But...forgiving is easier than carrying resentment around. No one is really a BAD person. Although I have wondered how long I was out of the loop again...It isn't as if it were PLANNED that way.

I am a pretty happy person, right now...today. I can only imagine what honesty, support, and mutual giving will bring. And maybe some good sex again (sorry, mom)...

When I have those things again, am treated like I matter, am supported as much as I support, when I feel sparks again...I will probably wonder how the hell I lived so long like I did...and enjoy the breath of fresh air. As another friend said, "Be open, and let it happen. Don't get in your own way." I have passed a lot of good people by being blind, closed off...and been directly told so...

So,

I'll probably be so happy I am just irritating. Like that "Don't Worry, Be Happy" song...with the whistling..... that just goes on and on and on and on and on...until you want to stick a BBQ fork directly in your eye.

Help a Penguin Out...

2011-03-10T00:41:00.000-07:00

There are times when stopping to help a penguin out would be appropriate.

Like when the film crew on "March of the Penguins" saw a penguin frozen to the ice. And they could have stopped to help the little guy out, instead of filming his demise to capture the raw and heartbreaking cycle of life and death in the natural world.

Just give the little guy a break and pull on his flipper. Quick and easy fix.

Then there are times when the penguins would really just have to be on their own.

The above scenario would be a good example.

"Uh, Bob. Shouldn't we do something? They are lined up like mini sausages on a snack tray."

"No, Frank. That is a Killer Whale."

"Excellent point Bob."

"Thanks. Let's get back to the hotel. I'm missing 'Law and Order'."

Little Squirt

2011-03-07T02:02:00.000-07:00

It is SO GOOD to see my daughter again!!! I missed her! She looks great!

I took her into my work today, went shopping, visited the library (where we checked out some books and planned a few crafts projects), came back to where I am staying and made strawberries with cream cheese dip and hot chocolate...then I played her "Hallelujah" on the guitar...which she immediately identified with "Shrek."

Spam has taken to washing their hair with only water and vinegar (I have no idea where she gets these ideas...not as if I am really concerned or anything)...and when I shared it with Coley her response was, "Get her in that house and shampoo her hair immediately! Your daughter is not a vagina!"

Which, of course, almost had me rolling on the floor in laughter.

I have decided against going out to purchase a "Summer's Eve Disposable Douche" (as if anyone would want to keep one) to have on hand to wash Little C's hair with in the event she stays over....

I will stick with Garnier Fructis, or some damn thing.

It was just good to spend time with her...and I had a nice time with Spam too-even though I had to participate in "grace" at supper time asking "Jehovah" to assist us ALL in "following Biblical principles"...so I followed the prayer with "Go Team!"

Spam seemed okay with that.

New office, same lost teeth

2011-03-07T01:44:00.001-07:00

It is nice to have a large office with it's own bathroom...and recliner...

It is taking some doing to get it organized. I literally found a few things posted on this desk that I had put up there three years ago.

I also found the resident "lost and found" items.

I know I am in the right place when there is a box of teeth, hearing aids, and glasses on my desk.

There is one partial upper from three years ago as well.

I have no idea how that happens.

Baby you're a firework...or at least a sparkler, by golly

2011-03-01T09:33:00.003-07:00

Have you ever noticed that if you go out into a public space (such as a dance club), and wonder if someone is single...it is extremely difficult to know whether or not it is safe to "approach" that someone you might be interested in?

Because you might get beat up by that person's partner?

"What do you think you are looking at?"

"Um...nothing...I was trying to find the bathroom...and it is certainly not behind your girlfriend. My bad."

I have a lot of empathy for guys, as they are in the "traditional" role of being the ones who must do that initial approach...risking rejection, public humiliation, or possessiveness from that person's current flame.

In the gay community, who is responsible for "making the first move" is confusing anyway...I mean, it doesn't align along those "butch/femme" stereotypes...it really doesn't...

It is also potentially frustrating going out with a friend as a single person in the gay community, because people might just assume you are "with" your friend...and you would never know if someone was interested, anyway.

Geez...it is amazing that anyone EVER gets dates if they are gay.

So, I think there should be some kind of "single" signifier, to take the question (and potential for bodily harm) right out of it.

If the above t-shirt came in a flannel version, that could really work for many members of the lesbian community. Perhaps at clubs they could offer some kind of subtle signifier to their single patrons.

A rainbow wristband. A name tag. Face paint....

...sparklers that could be lit when Katy Perry's "Firework" song is played. (This would work more effectively in gay men's clubs).

"BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK!" (club instantly ignites in a blinding cloud of smoke..)

Anyhoo...

I'm just sayin'

the art of distance...

2011-02-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

Deflecting feelings, avoidang connection, staying distant...

...can be an art

But it robs only the person in the cage

Relationships-family, friends, or lovers, are like computers...

at least in the garbage in, garbage out capacity

fed nothing, they produce nothing...

and so I strive for close. and I am there. all by myself. Which is okay.

"gotta tend the earth if you want a rose..."-Indigo Girls

a blossom waiting to happen

Three Favorite Poems

2011-02-25T11:04:00.004-07:00

Perfect in my eyes and heart...all three...really reached me...in different ways. The photography is hers too.

I am a fan.

I am getting to know her...I hope...

I want...

...her autograph...

:)

My Retinas!

2011-02-25T09:42:00.003-07:00

I'm a dufus. I would IMMEDIATELY go touch the edges of the sign.

I am impervious to warnings.

And cool lessons.

I know things I shouldn't know...and have seen things I shouldn't have seen.

No, I didn't just return from the deep south.

Anyway,

I would say that "ignorance is bliss"...and it certainly would have hurt less to aerate my tongue with a hole punch...

cryptic, I know...

but seriously, one has to sometimes just look back and chuckle at their own folly. When a person is determined to see a thing they want to see, NO AMOUNT of evidence or warnings or cautionary road signs will prevent someone from driving off of a sharp corner...or believing a thing they believe (or want) to be true.....from stereotypes, to revisionist history, to emotional wants, to 'hope springs eternal'...

"Jo. Whatever you do, do NOT touch that stove."

JO TOUCHES STOVE. COMPLAINS OF BURNS. THEN BLAMES STOVE.

As Paul Simon observed, "A man sees what he wants to see and disregards the rest..."

My friend Ryanimal recently put up a quotation that really made me reach for understanding.

"Forgiveness is: letting go of the HOPE that the PAST could have been anything different."

Yes...that is so true...everyone has done the best with what they could do at the time..I suppose..or if not...even if someone pretty much dropped the ball in a big way...it is PAST and will not be changing into something it was not. "No one can find a rewind button boy, so cradle your head in your hands..."

What is hard is dealing with discovering that the PAST as you understood it wasn't even what it seemed...and dealing with the PRESENT..suspecting it could be different...has potential to be different..but won't be different...because some of the choices and patterns from the past are going to be repeated...have been repeated...

So, then the present will become the past, and then subject to the letting go of "hope" that it could have been anything different.

Bacon flavored bacon wrapped in bacon bacon....

Holy hell. I am dizzy. Moreso than usual.

Anyhoo...moving on...

I will reserve HOPE for the future. It is kind of scary, and exciting, and new, and...

that just sounded a little like the "Love Boat" theme.

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs. Blocking up the scenery...and such...

Damn sharp edges.

Forgive. Love. Understand. Accept for what it is. Remember who I am, what kind of person I choose to be...

Wear welding gloves at all times.

"Which of you is the man?" and other useful stereotypes

2011-02-24T09:16:00.004-07:00

So, first of all, this symbol is just totally inaccurate. Aside from the fact that everyone knows that horizontal stripes make a person look heavier than they are...

Two dresses. Seriously? (Coley said we can't say 'really?' anymore because it has been so overused now that hearing it makes her want to drive her car into a palm tree)...

But I digress...

Two dresses? Seriously?

A more accurate symbol would have probably included one figure in a softball uniform, and the other in a flannel shirt and hiking boots.

Not that our very diverse community doesn't include "L-Word style" lipstick and dress wearing lesbians. Because it does. Believe me. I know.

I know.

Seriously.

....But by choosing a symbol of two figures in dresses, how the heck can we be expected to perpetuate the totally misinformed and heterosexist viewpoint that one in a lesbian partnership must be "the man..."?

Huh? Answer me that!

So, logo people (good name for a rock band)...

...you need to step it up if we are going to be able to cling to simplistic, archaic stereotypes that attempt to define us in heterosexual terms.

Come on! Get with it! Slackers!

Why did the silhouette family cross the road?

2011-02-23T10:16:00.001-07:00

There are several ways to accomplish safe road crossings with your young ones...

You can do like this mama moose in Anchorage does...supervise and cross along with your offspring, carefully observing the traffic in the immediate vicinity.

Or...

You can do like this odd silhouette family apparently does. Grab your child by the wrist and drag them across with such velocity that their pony tail extends straight out behind them.

The second way may not be as safe, but it is certainly more entertaining.

Maybe the silhouette family is rushing because there is an all you can eat shrimp special at Red Lobster.

A Home Again...

2011-02-23T00:34:00.000-07:00

We have been so fortunate to have people who have opened their homes to us...

I will just speak for myself.

I have been really blessed. Generosity and tolerance and friendship..even though I was in a mess I had created for myself.

Even those friends who 'took me to task' as they helped were awesome.

"Yes. You can sleep on the couch. Now, shut up. And stop being stupid before I slap you."

Anyhoo,

I am finally on the verge of getting my own place again. It will be so nice not to worry if I am irritating anyone. Well...irritating anyone in my own home, at least. It's a given I will continue irritating people in other settings.

Broke Shark Motherf#&*%#

2011-02-20T07:42:00.002-07:00

I don't know how I have missed cracked.com, but I went there and was laughing so hard...it is a good thing I was by myself...or they would have taken me away.

This was under their "self help books that aren't very helpful" section.

Omg...

Anyway...

"Broke Shark Motherf#*$^#" is a joke Coley and I had after we were discussing the making of "Jaws"...and how their mechanical shark named Bruce wouldn't work during filming...and so Steven Spielberg ended up making the shark something you don't see directly in the beginning (which turned out to be part of the genius creepy factor)...and we were laughing so hard at what the actors might have been saying as they tried to shoot scenes with a broken shark.

Spielberg: "...and...ACTION..."
(shark approaches, catches on fire, and sinks)
Actor One: "Oh,,that's just great. Every damn time I'm submerged in the ocean with ropes attached to me, the shark blows up and sinks..."
Spielberg: "...and.....uh...CUT....I'm so sorry..."
Actor One: (mumbling to self) "Broke shark motherf#*%$#"

I am avoiding this self-help book, I think. Although, knowing when to give up can be a virtue. As long as you try something else, and stuff.

Forward by Kanye West.

Awesome.

Getting Crazy With the Cheese Whiz

2011-02-19T08:31:00.002-07:00

Burneth down thy trailer park.

"The sweestest part is acting after making a decision"-Indigo Girls

Choosing to no longer do self destructive things feels like a weight lifted. Strange how I (and so many others) voluntarily suffer, when the simplest solution is the last to be tried. It is the nature of addiction. It is insanity in motion.

I found some quotes I liked. So I'm putting a few up. No specific themes other than drink and drugs, or the stuff that spins chaos around them...some cracked me up, some made me think...just stuff I encountered and wanna keep (with appropriate credits)...

"But I'm not so think as you drunk I am." JC Squire, 1931

Bessie Braddock: Winston, You're drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

"In this country, don't forget, a habit is no damn private hell. There's no solitary confinement outside of jail. A habit is hell for those you love." Billie Holiday, 1963

"Junk is the ideal product, the ultimate merchandise. No sales talk necessatry. The client will crawl through a sewer and beg to buy." William S. Burroughs, 1959

"Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that, you just take the girl's clothes off." Raymond Chandler in The Long Kiss Goodbye, 1953

"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons." Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1860

"It was the men I deceived the most that I loved the most." Marguerite Duras, 1999

"An open foe may prove a curse, but a pretended friend is worse." John Gay, 1727

"The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed." Steve Biko, 1976

"It is the nature, and the advantage, of strong people that they can bring out the crucial questions and form a clear opinion about them. The weak always have to decide between alternatives that are not their own." Otto von Bismark, 1987

"One hears only those questions for which one is able to find answers." Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882

"Hey, my mind was under the sofa cushions this whole time? Boy, do I feel stupid." Joanna Nicholson, 2010

Joanne of Arc

2011-02-16T07:00:00.003-07:00

So, it is REALLY dry in Phoenix right now. I mean, negative dewpoint. Single digit humidity.

Static electricity here is GREAT fun.

I get out of the car, I get zapped. I try to open the screen door. I get zapped. I open the fridge. I get zapped. I make eye contact with anyone, I get zapped. I think about cheese (or anything), I get zapped.

God forbid Coley and I try to get dressed within a twenty foot radius of each other. We might create an arc between us that could short out parts of Arizona. Or at least re-arrange our hairstyles.

I am going to go try to stick the cat to the ceiling like a balloon.

Cheese/cracker separation...

2011-02-15T08:36:00.001-07:00

People have funny reactions when they hear I am from Alaska.

No, I couldn't see Sarah Palin from my backyard.

Her reign began after I had already moved from there.

Alaska politics is great fun, to be certain. I was there in the Tony Knowles days, and am proud to say that my dog peed on his foot in our kitchen.

With Ted Stevens, and Sarah Palin...and Jerry Prevo and his giant, vocal church...Alaska politics was always good for a chuckle or two...(or a bad dream at worst when I was there...)

Cabin fever is a real phenomenon up there. Makes people a little tightly wound, I think.

I have empathy, though. My cheese slid off my cracker for a while. And I was in a tiny, coastal town in Oregon.

Maybe Alaska is viral. Once there for more than ten years you are infected for life-and it follows you around. Like herpes.

Either that, or Brookings had something in the water.

I am betting a presidential candidate will eventually emerge from Brookings, wandering from the redwoods, armed with rugged good looks, a bag of mushrooms, and a whole bunch of terrific ideas based on sound bytes and conventional "wisdom".

I can't wait. I'm gonna pop popcorn and watch when it happens.

whatever...

2011-02-15T07:52:00.001-07:00

I woke up to a message from my daughter, unloading both barrels on me. Which I fully deserve, but still hurt like hell.

Then I spent way too long at the UPS store, downloading, filling out, and faxing work application and "background check" information stuff.

Went to Walmart, which looked a lot like a cherub had exploded all over the interior. Anymore pink hearts, flowers, chocolates, or balloons with "I Love You" written on them, and I probably would have killed somebody. Corporate America at work! :)

How's that for getting in the spirit of things?

An emotionally draining day, all the way around. But I survived. Again.

I imagine a bunch of guys who forgot somehow, or didn't manage anything special at all to say "I love you" waking up in dog houses today...with scruffy staring at them while thinking "are you in trouble with your bitch, too?"

Pancake bunny

2011-02-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

Omg..that last post was all serious and everything.

I am immediately getting back to my regular programming.

I like pancakes.

Without a Net...

2011-02-13T12:08:00.005-07:00

I discovered the most alone feeling in the world this past year. It is always scary to try stuff by yourself. I've done it before. But this time, through no one's fault but my own, I had no net. I was on the edge, in a way I have never been before...

In the past, I had my parents. Even when I didn't call on them, they were in my psychological reality as a safety net. Or, I had a partner who was enduring the scary stuff WITH me. For a variety of reasons, some good and reasonable, some absolutely bewildering to me still, I was truly, utterly, completely at the edge...with an awareness that I would be allowed to fall...all the way to the bottom.

I was actually painfully "dropped" on a few occasions, and had to scramble to literally stay warm, or fed, or safe from other harms. I didn't have a "go to"....or anyone facing the same stuff with me...and my heart (and mind) were such a terrible mess.

Psychologically, that was really interesting. And...oddly enough...I am actually grateful for it in retrospect. I am making the choices that I need to to pull my life together. This experience has left me more confident now, and a HELL of a lot tougher.

It has also left me SO GRATEFUL for the people in my life who truly love me..always did...and literally SAVED me during a few crucial moments. Those were turning points on a scary road...each one of them.

So, this is a THANK YOU-a "thank you" with the realization that the words are so inadequate for what I hold in my hands now, and the second chance I now have to try to heal my past and to repair my future.

Jan and Duane-you gave me shelter, support, fellowship, music, haircuts (thank God), laughter, wisdom and a kind ear..you have my kitty. I love you guys very much!

Tress-you held my hand, tried to invite me to a healthy place, held up a mirror when I didn't want to see, were a source of endless hugs when I thought I would die from lack of affection. You set tough boundaries. And I love you forever for that. Well, for that...the elephant thing...and the "did you just hear yourself?" look.

Stephanie-you climbed a seacliff for me. Holy hell. It's been a crazy friendship we have, and I wouldn't trade it in. That day when I felt so sad at JD's, and you told me what you did to turn it around...I hope I can extend a helping hand for you guys soon. I like pancakes!

My Brother-you literally kept me from losing my guitar, and my sanity. You gave me shelter at the worst time in all of this, and you helped me just by believing in me and offering some words (and humor) that helped me take things less seriously.

Shannon-you didn't let my misdirected hostility drive you away...and you still offer your talents to me in support. Thank you SO MUCH!

Pat-you made me believe I have talent again. You really did. And your support with all of the other stuff...I cannot thank you enough.

Brenda-Omg. You have no idea. I was on the beach. On the beach in a tent. Collecting rocks. Crying. Hungry. Feeling so hurt and abandoned by those I thought would be there. It is often said that we discover who our real friends are during our worst times...when everyone else walks away. You were such a surprise, and you are a HERO to me. Hope you know that.

Deb R.- offers to visit, phone calls, kind words, wisdom, and persistence in trying to help me through. I thank you!

Kelly-you gave me five dollars. Five bucks, a smile, conversation, and no judgment...meant the world.

Keewee-you were neverending with the offers to listen from afar, and the encouraging words. I love you!

Oogy-You have bore the expense of my phone this entire time. You supported me emotionally. NEVER skipped a beat in our friendship, NEVER even seemed to care about whatever mis-steps I took. You and Randy gave me a room (thanks Alex), fixed my computer problems, gave me a temp job, took those promo shots, and made me LAUGH! Love you guys!

Michelle-omg. You guys offered me a cabin to use. Holy hecky darn! Who woulda thought! And you wwere the first to forward me that therapy song that I played to death like an anthem! You rock!

Deb Doo Dah-You offered Seattle. I briefly thought I was there already, but that was a palm tree. Not the Space Needle.

Maria-thanks for listening and offering words of wsdom. Kind, forgiving, and supportive as always. Ever since "gramdma's taxi" I knew I had a very special friend in you. You even supported the "getting back together" thing. Wow.

Linda and Jana-Took me in, gave freely of your time and well needed advice, were patient with me, even though you guys are counted among the folks I hurt along the way. I was in big trouble right then. You helped more than I was probably able to express.

Kimber-coffee on a cold morning when I was struggling with a little bicycle. That SHOULD have been more embarrassing than it was. No, never mind. It was still embarrassing. You also cracked me up, and surely have a way of just smacking me on the head with a "what the hell were you thinking?" verbal barrage. Good stuff. Really. No, really.

Jennifer-gave me a burger, and stayed open late to do that. Wow. That was awesome. It was the BEST burger I ever had.

Sheri-when I had no place to go, you let me sit all night in the restaurant with hot chocolate. When I was cold, hungry, and lonely and sad, you fed me and kept me warm...hugs to you. Believe in you. You are beautiful.

Henry-you let me stay with you when I am sure it was cramping your style, And, you let me keep some of my stuff under your carport for a few days longer than intended...making the front of your house look like Sanford and Son's.

Tom and Carrie-the storage thing. You walked in the rain to meet me there. You kept my stuff as safe as you could. You gave me endless Pepsi. Tom, please thank your mom too if you ever see this.

Shane-gave me a self esteem boost. Defended me a few times when no one else ever said things that needed to be said. Gave me a head's up to a few "friends" who weren't. I really appreciate that, and hope you are okay.

Theresa-sista...you sure did try with me. You are a good person. I am so glad I know you! I like the way you think. You extended your hand and heart. Homecooked meals even! Patience. Good humor. A "loaner cat" to pet. I'm blessed to count you as a friend.

Billy Jo-you are one of my kind. You get me, and I know that you know that I know that you know that you "get" me.

Jill-that evening when we were setting up the room and you listened to me....and listened to me....and listened to me...and then shared about yourself...made a big difference to me. Not sure you realize how much, and what an inspiration you are to me.

Lacie-What can I say? You look fabulous. Your patience and good humor (and rides to and from and to and from) are much appreciated.

Melissa-You inspire me. Thank you for your kindness. You are the cutest thing ever. And stronger than I think I could be. You take the whine right out of me.

Mary and Bill-uh, I would SO be still outside if not for you. No, seriously. I like that Bill has no sympathy for me at all. It is a challenge to me. A curiosity, if you will. Thanks for helping me find my way, and listening endlessly. And the citrus. I won't get scurvy thanks to you and your trees.

Arloin and King Har-talk about a rescue operation! Renting a car and taking your weekend to do a marathon trip to Phoenix? Then letting me stay with you guys even though I set off your alarm, ate too much salt like most Americans, and put mayonaisse in your refirgerator? And smoked? You guys have given me enough Nicorette gum to assist the population of Rhode Island to quit smoking. I will do it. Oh yes, I will. Love you guys! (and this phone just rocks)....

Anne-you have endured a lot just to play music with me. You are an incredible friend. It will be more reciprocal now, if you haven't given up. I wouldn't blame you if you did. I lost a few along the way, from sheer exhaustion with me, I think.

Whitman Health and Rehab Crew-you guys went to bat for me, obviously. WOW! I'm excited. Lea and Connie...I've been lifted by your words of encouragement during those times I could actually get online. Can't wait to see ya!

Krispi-Geez. You tried so hard. You had THE BEST intentions....and we tangled it up, huh? I still care about you immensely. You have gone way above and beyond, and endured a lot of pain (and regret, I'm sure) because of me. I love you. Hope you know that!

Mom and Dad-I can't even imagine how hard this year has been on you guys. Hope I have learned enough to never get that lost again. My life is in forward gear again, and your help now has taken at LEAST a year off of the time it would have taken to just get physically and financially stable again. I hope you know that I really KNOW what this has and is costing you. I hope I can be for Conner what yu have been for me. If I am, then I will be a success in a thing that matters more than anything else. Feeling like I was without you gave me a whole new appreciation for what I had and took for granted. I love you both.

Rossaholics

2011-02-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

Where the spree began..

20% off. Nobody get in the way.

awwww....

they take shopping seriously.

Ok...I did something brilliant I guess

skin care is important also

No. They can't be closed...

So, before I went to Redding for that adventure, I went on a girl's trip to Medford. To shop.

I've never done that before.

I didn't know it was even possible to try on as many outfits as they did in the time they had allotted. It was highly organized, involving multiple shopping carts, synchronized watches, store diagrams, color charts...even their own special language...

"How about this?"

"No, too bunchy up top. You need more flow, to accentuate that other thing like that one before."

"Oh, right. And the color reminds me of that one place."

"Exactly."

They spent a considerable amount of time attempting to "girl me up." It was sweet, and fun.

And exhausting.

And I still dress like I am going fly fishing.

The Klingons called. They want their outfit back.

2011-02-08T07:39:00.001-07:00

Maybe it is just me...

but I see a pattern

How come everytime you come around, my giant, futuristic, goofy looking shoulder pads wanna come down?

Maybe her costume was really just safety gear so she could suit up and play second half for the Steelers, if needed.

I'm not one to talk. I'm wearing flannel sleep pants with lemons on them. I'll shut up.

When life gives you lemons, it is important to have crab

2011-02-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

yum

So, Coley went to the store and came back with King Crab. She started cooking a five course meal (which set me off on a happy dance, cause she can cook like no one's business)..then told me she forgot to get a crucial ingredient for perfection.

No lemon.

The horror.

So, this being Arizona, I walked down the street until I found a lemon tree.

I accosted it, and came home with two lemons. Slicing those things up made the whole kitchen smell wonderful.

I didn't even have to go to Walmart to get one of their sorry, puny, dried up lemons.

The lemon tree I found was in someone's yard, but had branches that hung over the alley. So after hunting and gathering (as I proudly presented the bounty I secured), I was able to tell Coley that "mother nature and a back alley will provide..."

I didn't have to scale a wall. I hardly got arrested or anything.

That's what people get for leaving their lemons unsecure, hanging over back alleys, all willy nilly. The tree was obviously asking for it. You should have seen how it was dressed. It wanted me to touch its lemons.

Here I Am Again...

2011-02-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

Maybe backwards wasn't really backwards, but exactly what was supposed to happen.

I just can't see it yet.

A bit angry. Feel used, sort of.

It's probably just me. Processing. I seemed alone in the efforts. And the grief. "We handle things differently" only explains so much. Oh well. No directing. I will get out of my own way. Lean into it this time, instead of against it.

It is what it is.

I recorded a new song. A silly one I wrote quite a while back. I shouldn't have done that from a financial perspective...(or a lot of recent choices based on misinformation). But, I haven't given up the cruise ship idea. If someone says "Press Kit" I will be able to say "Banana."

Or at least, "here you go..." Because saying banana would just make people think I'm crazy.

It Don't Break Even...

2011-02-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

another life

It just means different things...all of it...then and now...and there are always two sides, two perspectives.

I treasured this. I did then. I do now. I never had anything but plans for a future that included my partner in life.

Listening to inner wisdom is important, and my big lesson at this point. Others screamed it. Actions (or lack of) screamed it. Even my mind screamed it.

But the heart hears exactly what it wants to hear, even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

A special person, whom I love for a reason.

When a heart breaks, it don't break even.

I hurt. I hurt.

And I will keep my friend this time, as that is how it started.

First Step Forward

2010-11-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

They're Hot

But she and I really hit it off...

She's a little tall, and doesn't say much.

I like tall (obviously)...but I certainly wish we had better conversations.

Has anybody seen my glasses?

skepticoley...

2010-11-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

Anne and I playing...

I continue to enjoy my new home. I did finally get the driver's license replaced, and will be able to work now. The lack of transportation has hindered me quite a bit...I swallowed my pride and asked the folks for some help, as I'm eager to get my career back on track. Without help, I will be delayed by a few months...but will survive that too I am certain.

I have certainly learned a lot this past year, and continue to learn. The lessons are both hard and wonderful...new "aha" moments everyday...although I am weathering the loss of my marriage (as I have no control over choices made, or feelings others have)..my big challenge now is to navigate anger. With grace.

The current narratives I am told are attempts to invalidate our entire history, and they cast doubts into my mind as to the type of person I really married (and therefore leave me wondering why I am so blind). The fervor with which the "okay, so here is the truth NOW..." is no less than the hundred times I heard before...and so I have no idea what to believe. I have to choose to believe it was real somewhere for her. It was for me...I guess just more grounded.

I also have to remember that regardless of how she feels about it with twenty twenty hindsight..I loved the stuff that was good...and that doesn't change...nor does it need to. These big proclamations are her style, and they are heavily influenced by what is wanted at the time. "I wish I could take it all back", "I want out life back", "It was always about you, Jo..." and "I never stopped loving you..." SOUND as real as "I was trying to convince myself I don't love her" and "she's the love of my life..." and "I didn't want to make you feel bad." I know that the truth of events still gets twisted by her...things revealed to me about feelings or what she did or lied to us both about are suddenly inconvenient and then withdrawn. Words and events I was RIGHT THERE a part of are subjected to revisionist history to fit the most current version of "how it is". For reals and for trues this time. No, really! This version is the real one.

I did not know that truth was so negotiable...and I have to check myself to not do the slash and burn crap I did over the past year in anger and hurt. I did a lot of petty things in pain, anger, out of a sense of betrayal and frustration that deception/cheating came with rewards for her, and pain for me alone. I am NOT proud of what I did, and I know EXACTLY the person I will refuse to be now. I accept the consequences of my own behaviors, confess, and know better than to blame anyone else for feeling a certain way about me...or for disliking me or what I did. BUT I am not really hearing anything but justifications from my ex now...and it angers me. I made BIG choices (and encouraged others to do that as well) based on information I was given. That pisses me off. But I've been doing that for years now, it seems, so it isn't really a new phenomenon. Of more interest to me now is that I am finally feeling some outrage at being treated badly. I think that is a good sign, to break the "oh please take me back" cycle.

The reality is, she has probably really felt ALL of these things at one time or another over the past year. It just gets frustrating. I have lied in my past too...and I guess I can't then get all pissy when anyone I lied to then wonders if I am telling the truth. People might be skeptical of my ex...but to then blame me for it because I told the truth...REVEALED it more likely...or get mad because people start figuring out I am not the psycho nut-job she made me out to be...well, that is like shooting the messenger. If people have a case of "skepticoley" it is probably because I'm not the only one that witnessed the all over the map crap. To realize in retrospect that I was used to invoke feelings in someone else, or that I was an interchangeable "safety card" with someone else really sucks. The "if one is off the line, the other one will be there" type thing.

Now I'm thinking we're both gone to her...and it doesn't make me as happy or satisfied as I might have thought it might. That is probably because I really loved her, and still do. You can dislike a characteristic about someone, but still love the person. It's hard because now I wonder if she ever did love me. And I'm not sure if that even matters...the good times were real to ME. I know the truth of things now and don't need to convince anyone else..and this is all part of my recovery..which isn't about her.

The fact of the matter, as I understand it, is that if I learn from the things I did wrong-that is the point. I can try to make amends for my hurts visited on others, and I alone am responsible for what I do from here forward. I tried to hurt Nicole back. I did. I'm ashamed of that. She has a hatred for me now..and likes to claim I "don't know her, and never did." I know she is angry that I revealed truths in a vengeful way (I never made anything up)...and part of this resentment exists precisely because I DO know her. She's a beautiful person, flawed just like me. And I see "behind the curtain"...born of us weathering a relationship of experiences, challenges, changes, deaths, friendships coming and going, moves, addictions, fears, long talks, laughter, tears, hopes...and she would like nothing more now than to set that all down and recreate herself. I can relate. I'm in Phoenix, for gawdsakes...for that very reason. She told me no one new in her life will ever know that she was ever married, and that hurt quite a bit.

But I can't control that...

God, grant me the serenity...

12 Steps Forward, 13 Steps Back...

2010-11-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

...and I don't care...or do I?

It is amazing the tapes that get played over and over in our heads...our "self-talk" that can serve to bolster our courage, or tear us down.

I have discovered that I play a lot of the "I'm not good enough", "I'm never going to make it", "something is wrong with me" type messages. It partially explains why my parents are so toxic to me when they do what they do with the best loving intentions, or why rejection from my spouse has been so hard for me to overcome. I literally cannot TOLERATE or be around people who have criticisms to offer now...or want to cling to the negative parts of my past...or worse yet, offer their opinions of me based on inaccuracies or rumors...

I am in recovery and completely committed to that. I am protecting sobriety like a fragile egg at the moment, as I am still weak. I am NOT in resolve or in the decision to change my life...I have NO DESIRE at all to use any kind of mind altering substance...but I struggle in coming to the conclusions that:

I am beautiful and someone will find me attractive
Other people's opinions of me are none of my business
Knowing the truth of a thing is enough
Other people's issues, reactions, and opinions belong to them. I don't have to do anything to convince anybody of anything.
I am worth loving and taking care of, and no one gets to violate that with me.
I can expect and demand to be spoken to in adult tones, phrases, contexts-and end interactions when they violate that
I am as much the sum of my successes as i am my failures, and I can refuse to accept anybody else's definition of me.

Staying "clean" is not a hard thing for me at all right now. I'm not struggling with that. SOBRIETY is...sobriety being the state of mind that led me to use in the first place. I am unlearning the things that took a long time for me to learn..undoing the patterns that took a long time for me to develop, and challenging the beliefs about myself and my worth that took a long time for me to ingrain.

It is very hard to let go of people and places that are toxic to me...especially when I love them. Some I can't let go of due to other entanglements, and I have to learn how to balance what I will undoubtedly encounter from them, with the coping skills I am learning to deal with them.

First steps into a new life...a whole new life and way of thinking. Not marked as much by "Jo doesn't drink" anymore, or any other "clean"symbolism...but because I am going to learn how to love myself TRULY this time.

For those of you who have believed the best about me all along, or taken the good with the bad without losing faith, or listened to what I said, or helped to LIFT me when I have fallen...I thank you so much.

Yes, I realize the picture is a bit revealing and suggestive...not meant to offend...but I am taking care of myself for once...more and more every day...so if you don't like it, I guess that's YOUR stuff. :)

The Wazzu Way

2010-11-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

That damn Andrew, anyway...

So, I had done a search on "Funny Facebook Break-Ups" just to find funny examples...I needed a laugh...and laughter at myself is the best medicine (and if I didn't I would probably just explode).

Anyway, one of the images was of "drunken messaging...," and the WSU Cougar symbol immediately caught my eye out of all of the potential choices.

There it was...

WSU was once ranked one of the top ten "party schools" in the nation (which the students stumbling into my class late, in pajamas with bloodshot eyes made a believer of me), and the administration has worked hard to change that image. "WAZZU" was officially blacklisted as an acceptable moniker on any collegiate gear, and much effort was expended to bring a more academic focus to bear.

But some shit is just funny. I don't care who you are.

Go Cougs.

P.S...the image isn't fuzzy. You are drunk.

transformation..into a girl..OMG

2010-10-29T14:34:00.000-07:00

before

after

Like the tan line from the sandals? It's hot here. Did I mention that it is sunny in Phoenix? Except when it is hailing sideways.

Anyways...

I am trying to expand my horizons in a number of new ways. Including going girly. I am going to have a friend help me with eye makeup and such...Coley told me once I just looked like a drag queen when I did that. But then my friend (I shall call her Pez, because it rhymes with her real name) told me she thought she could do it. I'm having my friend Merry (ok...her name is Mary, but she is really happy...so that's what she gets) do it.

Then I am putting on a pretty dress with flowers and crap on it. (I'm a dainty little lotus flower, I know)

Then I have a date with a guy.

I know, right?

I think I am going on the date with a guy just to throw Arloin and Harley off. That's fun.

Maybe I will get a few pics...just to throw everyone off...even more fun.

What if I like this guy? Then I'm throwing myself off. That would be weird.

But in a girly kind of way. It is almost Halloween. So, this is a good time for dress up.

Feeling Presidential

2010-10-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

"Ask not what your country can do for you..."

My hair was WAAAAy too short. Definately.

"...but what you can do for your country..."

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

2010-10-25T19:24:00.001-07:00

Courtesy DMV

So...I dropped my wallet when exiting a car with my hands full...about 8 weeks ago. When I finally figured it out and went back to grab it, the wallet was gone.

I don't care too much about the sixty or so dollars that was in there...but that identification was valuable in a way that is only now becoming fully apparent to me.

I have needed that driver's license in order to spare myself and others a major dilemma when trying to get to Arizona. Plane, train, bus...none of these "normal" options would work. I considered hitchhiking, but apparently motorists have taken to checking identification and asking for fingerprints prior to offering rides (except the ax murderers...they will still take your word for it).

Arloin finally had to rent a car to come and pick me up 900 miles away. (Yes, she is insane...but also a snappy dresser and fabulous singer of Spanish folksongs....at least I think they are spanish...because I heard the word Taco a few times).

I need this driver's license to be employed, it turns out. It is crucial to prove identity, citizenship, and that my license photo complies with the universal DMV "scare small children" rule. In order to get my license replaced, I need a Social Security card. That was in my storage unit, which was recently repoed by the storage unit police and then auctioned off to a tuna fisherman named Sebastian.

In order to get the Social Security card, I need a driver's license.

In order to get the driver's license, I need a Social Security card.

In order to get a Social Security card, I need a driver's license.

In order to get a driver's license, I need a Social Security card.

In order to get a Social Security card, I need a driver's license.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm awake.

Anyway, when I finally DO get my driver's license somehow, I am going to proceed to drive directly through the local Social Security Administration office with my intermittent wipers going, yelling something about Tacos.

They probably won't let me into prison then, without a Social Security card. They will probably deport me to Mexico...where you can't get in without a Dairy Queen Blizzard punch card, which was also in my wallet.

Vision helps you see...

2010-10-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

So, I have been trying to live without my glasses after misplacing them.

I found them.

It turns out I have been dating a cactus, and the palm tree in the yard isn't the space needle after all.

I am expecting that things will improve rapidly now.

Loving it here in Seattle

2010-10-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

The beautiful Space Needle

It isn't as rainy here as I thought it would be.

I can't wait to go up in the Space Needle.

Happy Again!

2010-10-14T14:32:00.001-07:00

Hey, I have decided lots of sun is good for me. Along with friendship, healthy food, and healthy people.

Now if I can just figure out how to get around town (city...big, big city) without a car. I should learn Spanish too. And perhaps try to expand my horizons with my tolerance for spicy food....

There is SO MUCH to do here. The women's community seems extremely supportive, and rather large. (The community, not the individual women. Hmmm...)

Just awesome.

My New Girlfriend

2010-10-13T00:54:00.000-07:00

she is a bit thin...

I don't know why I have this apparent pattern with emotioanlly unavailable partners. I have such a hard time approaching her. It can actally be painful at times. Damn, forget hugging. She's all, like, "I have my thorny defenses up to protect my tender interior from parasites and predators of all kinds..." She doesn't SAY it, (not the greatest communicator), but I know she's thinking it.

.Whatever, you know?

I wish she would just eat a burger or something. Gain a few pounds. And fankly, I have really started to get irritated with the birds that make it past her defenses and peck holes right in her sides to nest. I have nearly had it-the birds or me.

Overall I'm pretty happy. I think I worry more about her weird relative (this one's name is Bill) than I do her. This is a farily recent snapshot. You can see that Bill is already gowing weary of being pointed out as different.

I'm hoping at some point she will become more tender. She's worth the wait.

...and now for something completely different...

2010-10-06T17:24:00.000-07:00

A field of Fireweed in bloom
Kenai, Alaska

Talk about a switch...Alaska to Arizona. Phoenix, to be exact.

Phoenix seems meant to be for me now. I can't help but love the symbolism in the name-the "rising from the ashes"....I certainly attempted to burn my life down, both actively and passively. I know why now...understand some critical things about myself, my past. I have clarity on my present.

I know what I want. I know who I want. I know how I want to be in the world.

I know how I expect to be treated. I know how I expect to treat others. I am available again for friendship and parenting...partnership...and self-care. I'm excited about life again.

Fireweed is remarkable for growing in areas ravaged by fire. Again with the symbolism. But, it means a lot to me, and keeps me forward focused.

Despite what those who have witnessed me hurting may say (and I appreciate that I am so loved)-I don't WANT to "unlove" my spouse. THAT has never been my choice...and it has been part of a journey she needed to go on as a person. People DO learn, grow, and change. Changes are usually precipitated by crisis of some kind. If not for crisis and stress, it could be that we would never change because we were all so comfy.

We are going to keep trying. It was her idea. I love her for that.

But, whether we do or do not succeed in sharing a life together, I am alive inside again.

I really am going to complete the symbolism for me-starting a new blog in the next few days. I don't feel there is anything wrong with this one...or the memories saved here...I just want to start anew in all aspects. A rebirth of sorts.

I will send invites out to friends who want to follow or keep tabs...I know I enjoy keeping in touch.

I will try not to melt here in Arizona, and to have a decidedly less serious take on things in my new blog!

That's Trying?

2010-08-23T02:54:00.001-07:00

It was a thing I had waited for in the silence of our large, empty home by the beach...laying on the floor, alone and sobbing in disbelief. The sudden shock of it. A life in abrupt tatters. Total and complete trust betrayed. It couldn't be real, could it? After all that we had been through together? After I understoood and supported through addiction-and the lies and craziness that went with it? After Tony, and Pam, and Conner, and grad school, and my parents, and helping with those late night assignments...and Taj, and delivering newspapers to help make ends meet, and the Grill, and Go Cougs, and Alaska, and driving so far to and from work so she could be near her brother, and Mark and Gloria, Patti and Josh visiting, spokane, fleebers, moving vans...dreams of law school in a brand new place...?

I had laid on the floor in total silence, only the distant rush of the surf...I would imagine the crush of gravel under tires as she pulled up the driveway to come home. A few nights I was so certain of it, I would light candles, and tidy up the house and room for her. I loved her. I married her. It wasn't conditional, and I would forgive anything. We were struggling, but I was certain that she really did love me, and was only lost temporarily...as I was in my own way...

But the end for her seemed so neat, clean, and cold. It was chilling. It was certainly more than I could emotionally endure-then and now-at least not in a silent and graceful way. Enduring any of it has been an exercise in trying to manage howling raw pain, hurt, rage, sorrow, loss beyond anything I had experienced before...

...and she would come back around several times, in her head and heart-for a moment anyway. Usually reactionary to something else-there would be a claim of love, a statement that she had never loved that OTHER person...and it would turn out that they had had a fight or something-and she would return after they had talked. My heart would be shredded anew, and I would get an, "I'm sorry...I didn't MEAN to hurt you..." I would regroup. This last time I was really moving on...for certain...looking forward, making plans, feeling pretty good about things.

I WAS HEALING...it had been nearly a year...

...and then in no uncertain terms, she wanted us back. Our life together. She wanted to work on our marriage. She contacted ME about this. From Portland....I had waited to hear those words. I prayed for them. I never stopped loving her. I could hear the excitement and the earnestness in her voice. She meant and felt what she was saying. She had had an epiphamny. The affair was born of pain, feeling trapped, lost, losing faith and hope....but it wasn't born out of a loss of love. She had never stopped loving me she said. She had never really loved her in a complete way she said. Again and again she reassured me that she did not love Candy, they were not right for each other, that Candy was immature, it had never been about Candy, but about us-and the affair could have been with anyone, what she experienced was intense, but not real because it had been colored by loss, chaos, pain, new relationship excitement, drinking, etc.

She wanted me to stop talking about or mentioning her. As if that would just be easy....

We almost had me go to Portland, or US go to an entirely new location altogether. THAT is what we should have done...

We should have STARTED with a counseling session, stayed completely sober, gone to meetings, not attempted to rebuild anything until we had a place to be together (for certain), and stayed away from the prior circles and locations that had pulled us apart. It would have also been helpful if one of my closest and most trusted friends had not invited my spouse to go over to her house where the only other guest that night happened to be Candy-right during a very difficult time for us...

...a move I will never understand or be able to forgive, I think. Because now I will never know.

Moving On...For Certain...

2010-05-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

I am starting a new life...and leaving this old one behind. I don't know what it will bring. I still have nothing, but I am going to step out of the comfort zone...

To go with a new life, I will have a new blog.. I will let a select few know what the new address is, and the rest who visit may be the new friends...and I would hope a significant other someday...and behind me will be those who have not been (or are now not) healthy in my life-and I want completely separated from me....

I have a new email address. Facebook and MySpace are coming down today.

Time to say goodbye.

And hello.

I can still feel something...

2010-05-19T15:30:00.001-07:00

She is yet to be named...but I can tell you that her name isn't Laverne...

sorry Krispi.

Thank you for what you did....

I have taken the first step to performing again, thanks to Tress...I played at Center Stage, and lived (no one threw anything at me)...and now I am going to play at Ken's...next Wednesday night...

I have been rehearsing nightly, and Dwayne's World (he is letting me stay with he and his wife until I figure out what the hell...) is a good guitarist, and very enthusiastic about guitar and songwriting. We have been playing a lot, have even had guests over to play....it has been my current bright spot-and I'm on it!
Thank you Tress, for the push...it felt great...I never even played when with Coley,..and I am on the right track.

Come visit at Ken's Tavern Wednesday evening! Bring tomatoes! And earplugs, just in case....

Pretty Colors

2010-05-19T15:21:00.002-07:00

Back off ladies....I know. Pretty hot...

It really is healing.

It's kind of pretty, in an odd, colorful way.

Nice work, Sam.

...and this is the side he DIDN'T hit me on.

I did make a police report, had two witnesses, and they offered to go arrest him after taking their own pictures.

I declined, because it wasn't about revenge. I made the report in case anything else were to happen.

I miss my friend, and I don't know what became of him...

Chicken Kitty

2010-05-19T15:17:00.001-07:00

My saving grace at times.

He leaps tall buildings in a single bound! (Usually when something has frightened him and he jumps straight up into the air, clinging to the ceiling...like a bat...)

He's faster than a speeding bullet (usually when he is running from something frightening him, like air molecules, or his water bowl...)

More powerful than a locomotive! (Usually after he has used his littler box. He's a smelly cat, oh smelly cat...)

Its....CHICKEN KITTY!

Nightmare: The Worst Time of My Life is Coming to a Close...

2010-05-19T13:39:00.002-07:00

Sometimes people can be a little bit too nice, ommitting things out of a fear of hurting feelings..Most of the time I would appreciate that. Recently one of my closest friends-someone who went out of her way to help me, risking herself in the process-was a bit brutal with me.

I was hurt.

She told me she was sick of hearing about "poor Jo..."

I felt indignant, wounded, as if she had no empathy for me.

Then I got on my blog....and I read....the once cheerful posts have been replaced by an ongoing diary of what's been "off" in my life...

Everything that I have blogged about has been true, and it has been very hard, and I have been scared, feeling alone and abandoned, and in an emotional state that I can best describe as one of relentless pain ...

...much do to circumstances beyond my control, but certainly not even close to all of it has happened without my participation...and even for the things that have been visited upon me, surely there have been other things happening that I can express gratitude about. I am, after all, more fortunate than many. My cancer scare is negative, I am in good health, I have a truck that runns well, I ahve a handful of good friends, have some knowledge and skills to work with, I have an awesome kitty cat who thinks I am the bomb-and at least for now I am not living in my truck....and I am finally sleeping through the night some of the time now.

I am going to try to take a different view, try a new perspective on the same old problems. Yes, I have lost my wife, pride, parents, home and job-as well as discovered that some of my friends weren't really friends (which can be viewed as a good thing....better to know than to not...).

I still am in love with my wife....ex-wife...and just wait for time to relieve it. I am not sure how to proceed with my daughter given her other mother's poisonous approach with me, and alignment with my parents. I still just got slammed and utterly abandoned and discarded by a longtime friend (the first one I dared trust since Coley).. My parents are still rigidly holding to their "if you do this we will do that" kind of offers for help, and have now taken to diagnosing me with various mental disorders in addition to making accusations of terrible character and drug addiction. All of the logistical problems are still there..and this is my big hoorah before embarking on a conscious attempt to tyrn this ship around....

This has undoubtedly been the WORST and MOST PAINFUL six months of my life. It is etched on my face, and my heart is scarred-I'm not sure I even CAN feel love like I once did. I trust NOBODY. I am angry as hell. I am devastatewd inside. I cry every day missing my partner, and my friend. I mourn the life that was altered in a single day...the innocence and feeling of safety and security (even in a storm) that I had with my wife...I ache for her and would give anything to be able to rewind to when we just started losing us-to take it seriously and do something completely different than I did... am going to miss my friend(s).... I grieve their loss too...and I just remember how my life seems to be divided into BC, CD, and PC (Before , during, and after Coley)....crying for literally HOURS, countless nights on the floor, holding HER picture....then Krispi...

I have admittedly made things worse, at times reaching for things to quicken or induce numbness...a drink here, an "other" there...knowing that the relief I feel for a moment will only come back sharper once the quick fix is over. A dangerous cycle to get into, and one I have been in before... (and why my parents are acting like they watched an "After-School Special" or "'Reefer Madness") I post the most shocking pictures becasue secrets really aren't my style (Holy Hell, ask anyone-I'm a bit overboard with disclosures)-and I don't even recognize myself in some shots. No makeup here, no acting. I was actually trying to NOT have that expression....Krispi had just changed everything...

...and I get a glimpse of me at eighty...and I keep these pictures (and share them) because it is a great reminder of what I don't want, and what could continue happening to me.

I emotionally spent and generally numb again....

I am completely unsure what the future holds-but instead of with dread and catastrophic thinking, I will consider it opportunity for change, and new direction. Although these pictures do depict periods of despair over the past few months-I did feel joy again for a moment in Oklahoma. I know it is in there. All is not lost yet. But it is an UPHILL climb to be certain.

So instead of complaining about the climb, I will try to focus on the top, recognize the steps, think about the route to take, and enjoy the view along the way as well as at the top. And KNOW that there is blue sky above the clouds, and my smile is not gone forever.

It is under the couch with the missing socks, lighters, and my spare change.

I'm looking!

two favorites...

2010-05-15T00:31:00.000-07:00

finding things to make me smile...

Alone and unsupervised with a camera...

2010-05-15T00:27:00.000-07:00

I discovered cell phone cameras.

It gets much, much worse.

We won't play it again, Sam..

2010-05-09T08:44:00.001-07:00

It is very disheartening, to fight with someone you care about. When the fight seems to be the end of the road for any kind of trust that once existed, it is so sad.

Things just seem to continue to escalate, with Sam pulling other friends into the mix-and the drama continues to build, at about the same rate as my calf was swelling. The same day I was recieving nasty voicemails and texts from several misinformed mutual 'friends', I had to finally buckle and go to the emergency room at Krispi's urging.

They x-rayed me, took two vials of blood, gave me an ultrasound to check for DVT, and gave me a tetanus booster. I have a nasty hematoma, along with a pretty good infection in my leg. Three prescriptions later I have decided to go ahead and make a police report. NOT because I am desiring revenge...but because I am concerned that there will be further problems and escalations, and I want to have made the report so there is a paer trail to the truth.

What he did does qualify as assault, and it may be that they arrest him. I found out he had done a similar thing with a former female roommate, when they had a dispute about him drinking all of her beer.

I know...it's beginning to sound like a country song, eh?

Today I went back to the E.R to follow up, and it appears to be healing. I haven't been able to wear my 501's and I am having withdrawals...

You can see the outline of the board in this photo. He really swung like he meant it.

I had no idea how much swollen my left leg was in comparison to my right until my friend took a picture of what it looked like from the rear. It feels generally icky...but they gave me Vicodin, so I'm sure I will pull through and they won't have to amputate.

Dogs Drool. GO COUGS!

2010-05-09T07:56:00.001-07:00

I may be a lone Coug now (In the Washington State University sense..not the dating twenty-somethings sense). Coley was a Cougar too, and we both had our share of Cougar Gear...enough to make a solid point when confronted with a bunch of Duck Quackers.

Although "Sam" has nearly broken my leg, and caused me a lot of irritating pain and inflammation, along with several trips to the E.R.....I can almost forgive him because I have Cougar Canopy now.

That's right all you sorry Oregon Ducks, Beavers, And Univesrsity of Washington Huskies...

I can drive right onto your campuses and camp in my Cougar Canopy right on your 50 yard line.

That's right.

Swing batter, batter!

2010-05-05T06:44:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends in the world took a two by four to me yesterday morning, hitting me in the leg so hard it tore my skin through a pair of jeans, has swollen to at least twice it's size, and is so painful I can hardly walk on it...and he did it in front of two witnesses, one of which he didn't even know was in the back of my truck under the canopy...

How could a friend do that, you might ask?

Over money, of course.

There is an oak rolltop desk that had been abandoned by a previous tenant at the oceanview home I rented. Our property management place had stated that it was not on the lease, and basically up for grabs.

My closest friend here, (I will call him Sam-because he tried to once tell us that Sam Donaldson was his brother) had seen the desk-and realized it was a very nice piece of furniture. When we were moving he had gone and retrieved it, brought it to his apartment garage, and we had kept it there. Our plan was to sell it at some point, and split the money between us.

In February Sam was having difficulty paying his rent, and he was also struggling with several painful conditions that kept him unable to do any side work to make up the deficit. My parents offered to purchase the rolltop desk for $300.00 in an effort to help him while sparing his pride-and also to help
me -as I was staying in Sam's second bedroom...according to Spam they did not even want the desk.

A little over a week ago Sam and I had a verbal altercation in the parking lot (over my intention to move the desk to my storage unit), and he had threatened to kill my cat. He was heading upstairs, extremely angry, and I panicked...going to the police station to ask for help getting chicken kitty out. I had already been staying with my friend, Avon Lady, after he had tossed me out the week prior-and Steph n stuff, her wife, and two of their kids were staying in the room I had rented with Krispi's help).

I got my possession s out with the help of the police-with the exception of the rolltop desk. With no income, and no steady source on the immediate horizon, $200.00 from a desk sale was pretty important. Sam had already told me he had no intention of giving me half from a sale, but I intended to do that for him...

I had asked one of the women upstairs to enter the garage and leave it open-so that I and several of my friends could retrieve the desk (which everyone clearly identified as not belonging to him). At 3am we started inching it out of the garage, and it took nearly two hours to quietly remove the drawers and slide it towards the parking area. In the final seconds, right after we had it fully loaded into the truck and the tailgate clossed, Sam grabbed me by the neck of my shirt and shook me. Our male friend was trapped behind the desk in the truck bed, and was unable to get out to assist. We had propped the canopy door open with a two by four-which Sam grabbed and first hit the desk with, breaking off a piece of wood-and then he swung at me with great force. I had turned to the side at the last minute, and caught the blow on the side of my leg. My calf took the brunt of the force..and I literally saw stars for a moment...blood appeared on my leg through my jeans where my calf was cut, and I had also somehow sliced my finger open in a scuffle, trying to grab the piece of wood away from him.

He had hit me so hard that the top of my foot had gone numb, and I couldn't bear weight on it. I went home and iced it for a while, and took some pain meds (which deceptively removed a good part of the pain)...

It is extremely painful today, swollen huge...again can't put much weight on it..and I may need to go in to the clinic today for a tetnus shot, and just to be sure there isn't anything serious with the injury. It is swelling up behind my knee as well, and because my calf muscle took the blow-any contraction or flexing of the muscle is excruciating.

I think the biggest loss of all is of my friend Sam. All that we have gone through in friendship lost over a few hundred dollars....and never in a million years did I imagine he would do that..the same guy who had stood over me to make sure I ate and drank fluids when severaly depressed, who had fixed my canopy, spent hours working on my truck, helped Coley and I move twice...had now tried to break my leg with a two by four.

I am really going to miss him...

Wherever we may be...

2010-05-03T16:47:00.003-07:00

Trying to surface, find my way over and above all of this...I lost my spouse, MANY friends turned out to be much less than that, I lost my home, my trust, my job, my financial well being, nearly my health, my feeling of trust and safety with my parents, my relationship with my daughter's other parent, my self esteem, and at times....I think I lost my mind.

Well, I am actually certain I did for a time.

BUT...I also gained a lot of things.

And one of the things I think I am starting to understand is that, for the most part, everyone is doing the very best they can at any given moment with what they have.

There is no benefit in trying to hold onto someone who does not want to be with you. You have to let them go.

Knowing that someone is NOT your friend is a valuable thing.

Knowing that you do have friends who are loyal and true, and there for you, is a wonderful thing.

When you say something hurtful, you cannot "unsay" it. There is no rewind. Be careful and responsible with words that can be weapons. They can haunt for a lifetime.

Forgiveness is such a relief...harboring anger, resentment, rage, hurt, and fear are exhausting. Setting those things down feels so good...

Forgiving ourselves for our failures is imperative. The key is learning from them and taking the time to really own and think about them.

It is okay to love someone but also stay away from them...even close family members when dynamics don't help but harm...it doesn't mean you don't love them...

Real love is not conditional, and does not come and go quickly and carelessly without consequence to the oneswho love.

Apathy will kill a relationship. To thrive a relationship must be fed with time, energy, communication, love, and a desire to try. There will be times that are not so fun or rewarding...but love can come back around if given the chance, and if it was real to begin with...

Choosing not to choose is a choice. It is then possible to desire something while at the same time either denying it, or not owning responsibility for the consequences...

People can lie and look you directly in the eyeswhile doing it...and it is possible to be completely and utterly fooled. Some of the ones who can do this may be the ones we trust with out lives...

Vengeance doesn't feel as good as it should. Forgiveness is better. AND HARDER! SOMETIMES, NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE.

Being numb and cold may protect a heart from pain. But it also closes the heart to the most important things in life.

We can spend so much time wondering about missed opportunities, or wondering what "might have been" that we forget to appreciate what really is...blind to what is right in front of us. It's not getting what you want...it's wanting what you've got...spend so much time looking behind that we forget to move forward...as we wonder again and again...what might have been?

It can be very easy to get caught up in lamenting losses and wanting to revisit old wounds again and again and again. We can again become so caught up in thinking about what will never be again, what we miss, what hurts may never resolve completely, that we forget to look at who and what DOES work. I miss my life, my job, my family, my spouse, my friends, and the safety and security of knowing I can trust my wife...and feeling that I am loved and desired. I miss our boyz, and our home, and our little habits together. Charlieface and Paperchase,Tripod Kitty, Gong Gong, The Angels Won't Have It...Zola's Pizza and the Sopranos,...Ross, and socks, and "why Jo?", and stories from our past lives before each other, great conversations on the back deck...lost friends, damaged family, people who pass through our lives for one reason or another ...

I have lost a lot, but by just appreciating all of the good things I have...I realize that I am truly blessed. And it helps to remember that when everything else is gone, the things that really matter are ONLY the people who we love, and who love us too.

...and I do. So much and oh so much...I will rebuild. I will recapture the fun I had in living.

Making people's lives better by my presence...and taking care not to make them harder or hurtful is a continuing goal that doesn't have a finish line...and I'm not always successful. But life should be love, and laughter, and feeling secure and worthwhile...

I am trying to find me again! I am in here somewhere!

...and I want out!

All around the playground

2010-04-26T00:43:00.004-07:00

Deep Deep Introspection and Crap

2010-04-26T00:22:00.002-07:00

Ooger Boobies

2010-04-26T00:06:00.001-07:00

Why Yes. Ooger Boobies is a good name for a rock band. Or perhaps some kind of North American songbird....

Leave it to the male photographer in the bunch to get a shot like this.

Nice going, Randull. I think "Jo Boobies" should be the headliner. hee hee

Oogers and Jo play well with others...

2010-04-25T23:58:00.001-07:00

...and each other. Okay, that sounded weird..as you can see, Olga does indeed hage breastestess...quite lovely, really...

Oklahoma rock wall

2010-04-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

Just like other parts of oklahoma, only more rocky and stuff.

yet more photos from Oklahoma

2010-04-25T23:37:00.000-07:00

jo's everywhere...thanks to Oogers and Randull.They spent lots of time making me get in strange poses...
Again, stranger than usual...

Uhhhhh....no.

2010-04-25T23:17:00.003-07:00

What's the plural of y'all.?

All you all.(of course...)

Think I will avoid this look.

Leather and a Big Truck

2010-04-25T23:04:00.000-07:00

More promo shots...thanks Oogers...I actually kinda like these shots...weird...

So Sad About Eddie..

2010-04-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

Ooogy and Randull allowed me to set up a room at their home in Oklahoma City to go to when not in Broken Bow. This was still in the "setting up" stage...and it looks like Eddie Bauer visited and then exploded.

.Working on the promos in Oklahoma

2010-04-25T18:51:00.001-07:00

Oogy and Randull were kind enough to take me out to an oil field and snap some pics in an effort to provide something presentable for a press kit or packet for the cruise line. Seeing these reminds me that I had actually recoverd part of me during this time...more than I had seen in quite a while.

I had lost my wide blush brush and used an applicator that clowns often use to apply their makeup. I hope people will still accept me overall as a human being.

Oogers...

2010-04-25T07:54:00.001-07:00

My high school best friend came to visit. Her name is Olga. Yes, I'm not kidding...She was another high spot in the whole experience in Oklahoma. She also wasn't deep fried. Well, at least I don't think so.

Jo backing up...

2010-02-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

It's okay. There's nothing to see here.

Move along. Move along.

Attempting to look cool. I think I pulled something...

2010-02-25T12:19:00.002-07:00

Well, here is the very start of some photo assembly for the promo kit...

Like many people, I don't do well with the pics of me. Can't tell what looks okay and what doesn't...

So feedback is welcome, unless you are one of the mean people in my life who will suggest I just drive off a cliff or something.

High Seas Lesbians?

2010-02-24T09:42:00.001-07:00

Thanks to a wonderful friend who totally believes in me and enjoys my music, the Olivia Cruise Line (lesbian cruises to Alaska, Mexico, the Carribbean, etc.) are currently waiting for me to send in a promo packet to consider me for on board entrtainment. I would be hired to play...and get to cruise for free.

Needless to say I am a little bit enthusiastic about the idea, and assembling the promo packet now. That can be a challenge with no income, but I have friend and family support out there. I will get it done. The photography is already taken care of I think, and I will post the new pics when they are ready...

The biggest challenge will be to get "The Dyke Radar Blues" transferred from cassette to CD format without losing quality. I will need a professional to do that...if anyone has any resources in terms of connections to a studio or anything, let me know.

It has been so long since I have done this. I have to get a large set list together and ready, and will be practicing daily again. I just love this, and had forgotten how much. The guitar was a good investment, although it cost more than I anticipated with my exe's wrath. But I can't control that...

Even if Olivia doesn't hire me, I am going to play gigs again. Music is too much part of my fabric, and I have been idle for too long. My brother has extended an invitation for a potential tour with him this autumn. He is a talented songwriter and musician...all the way to Florida, but I would LOVE to spend time with him and HIS music for a while. He mentioned something about having the chance to play with Don Henley/Tom Petty's drummer (REAL MUSICIANS), so it could be a real growth experience for me. Another doorway to consider...

This serves to remind me that things can happen for reasons that may not be apparent at the time-especially when change is forced and painful. My healing has been slow and agonizing. I STILL miss my ex spouse and the good parts of the life we lived together...even though our interactions now are painful and frequently hostile. We both have taken things from each other, and the wounds are not ever going to completely heal...like attempting to put the dirt back into a hole once dug...never quite fills up again. Our interactions fluctuated between understanding and caring to savage and brutal...both of us...and it stalls recovery at times. I have managed to love again...trust being hard to maintain for certain. I don't trust many anymore...

But life goes on...and it is... and I am grabbing it...

No Rest For The Weary

2010-02-15T02:13:00.001-07:00

My ex partner and biological parent to my daughter saw that I purchased a guitar...and yes, I did indeed find it at a Pawn Shop and spent what little I had on it...to try a last ditch effort at salvation...peace...mental health...

I guess I was supposed to send that money to her although she makes several times what I did (tax free)WHEN I WAS WORKING and I am currently in such agony that I can hardly function. This guitar might literally save me, as I really wish for death at times right now...and have nothing to turn to but what calms and centers me. I HAD to have a guitar to even have a chance here...at wellness...

and she was sure to tell me how worthless I am, and that others have made it through much worse than this. Yes, that last part is true...and if I hear from one more person the other sentiment, well...I may have to surrender to that....

I fucking surrender.

But she DID generously gave me the option of relinquishing my parental rights to my daughter, or going after me with state child support-which means when I finally get ready to resume my career, I will be so in arrears that I may as well never even work. They will attach my wages to Kingdom Hall Come. She has to pay the payment on her new RV somehow.

I have not had any real parental rights, and they have been gradually eroded ever since she started school anyway. Piece by agonizing piece. I gave them away without a real fight, as lawyering up seemed beyond my capability...

I cannot parent this little girl like this. I guess Pam can now exclude me from her life entirely, as I told her to send me the fucking papers.

I am not going to make it through this. I am just not.

"You Smashed My Heart Through A Garlic Press, You Bitch..."

2010-02-13T13:50:00.001-07:00

(Country Two-Step Feel)

(...Because she would hate that...)

You Smashed My Heart Through A Garlic Press, You Bitch
words and music by Joanna Nicholson

Oh....you smashed my heart through a garlic press, you bitch.
You smashed my heart through a garlic press, you bitch.
You knocked it down, ran over it
then backed up to see what you hit
You smashed my heart through a garlic press, you bitch.

SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST

My New Best Friend w/benefits

2010-02-13T13:39:00.001-07:00

Although I should have been using any little bit of cash I have for more "sensible" purposes, life without a guitar is not going to work for me.

So, I fixed the problem. In a grand way.

And I have a new best friend. I have not yet named her. But it will come to me, probably around the same time the "Garlic Press" song finally comes to fruition.

On board tuner, abalone inlay along fretboard, beautiful finish and design, heavy wood, action like butter, MIC jack built in, great equalizer and pick-up-keeps that warm acoustic sound even through an amp...

I am in love with her. I touch her a lot...as she has GREAT curves.

Pretty sure she won't cheat on me, toss me, and then tell me it was never real.

If she does, I know a busy woodchipper.

Pardon me. Is that a pussy under your seat?

2010-02-05T08:49:00.002-07:00

Why yes. It is a pussy under my seat.

Chicken kitty and I just drove across the country. Well, I drove mostly. He has no opposable thumbs.

He started in a pet carrier, but I was pulled over by the New Mexico Highway Patrol for the high pitched yowling so many times, I finally set him free in the pickup cab.

He did get loose once in Yuma (or someplace). Fortunately I cornered him and managed to stuff him in my leather jacket before a big lizard ate him (or something).

Once loose in my truck cab he spent some time under both my gas and brake pedals (oh joy), as well as on top of my head, or hanging from the cab ceiling like a bat.

Then he found a great spot under my driver's seat-where he wedged himself in so tightly it took a crowbar and Crisco to remove him.

People could occasionally hear him yowl from under there, and I would calmly explain that there was a pussy under my seat. Then I would say "I'm real bendy."

Most would leave me alone at that point (except that one truck driver named Cletus).

As my friend Chris pointed out after I arrived, I am staying in a place near "Beaver's Bend" Oklahoma. Somehow fitting.

So....my little chicken cat is happy now (or at least quieter and less puffed up), and I intend to get him some counseling.

Kung Fu Crabs...Dinner AND a Show!

2010-01-11T01:37:00.002-07:00

So, after a hard day of work, my closest friend here (J.D) was driving with me back to the house. We went around the port direction, and he suddenly detoured to where the fishing boats were docked. He smiled and told me he would be right back, and disappeared down onto the docks.

He returned carrying a bucket, which he placed in the back of the truck. He informed me that he had gotten two crabs from his friends who had just returned from the crabbing season. They came right out of the boat holding tank...

I love crab (it is illegal in Alaska to dislike seafood, unless you have an allergy and will puff up like a blowfish)...but I was a little bit concerned about having to face the inconvenient truth of critters I had witnessed being alive moments beofre ending up on my plate.

J.D. said he would handle everything, and took the bucket upstairs. I continued working, and I heard a lot of banging around coming from above. Finally J.D. called out that dinner was ready. I went upstairs, and J.D. had prepared a fantastic meal,.complete with drawn lemon butter to dip the poor things in.

Did I mention that I love crab?

It was incredible...tender, sweet, steaming hot right from the shell. I made short work of mine, and when we were done (when I finally managed to look up from my plate) I noticed that the bucket was tipped over in the middle of the room, a hairbrush lay on the floor, and other things were oddly strewn around.

I asked J.D. what happened, and he told me that he let the crabs loose while he got everything ready for cooking. Apparently they had quite a time skittering around the livingroom, terrorizing my poor cat (who is part chicken anyway and generally afraid of air molecules), bumping into things, knocking things over, making a racket with their shells, and attmpting to fight their own reflections in the slider door window glass.

I guess one of them even watched CNN for a little while, and attempted to adjust my equalizer.

So then we ate them.

I was downstairs, and missed the whole show..

Who needs video games when you have your dinner to entertain you?

Broken Funny Bone

2010-01-08T11:17:00.001-07:00

I was recently trying to tell a friend that I felt like something was broken inside of me from one too many nights curled up on the floor in tears. I told her how it seemed I might never feel joy again (of course, I know better)...and how my favorite foods didn't seem to have much flavor, my favorite music inspired me to nothing, and the incredible ocean shore I awaken to each morning didn't stir me at all. I told her how I WANTED these things to bring some relief and happiness.

There was one moment a while back when I accompanied this same friend to Medford where I started laughing so hard I nearly blew milk out of my nose. (It involved her seeing "shiny people"...and my sudden urge to connect her to mental health services and a tinfoil hat...).

I came back from that trip energized, and feeling alive again-hopeful for healing.

Then I was in this house again, and the memories would not leave me alone.

As time passed I have become more desperate for relief-wanting so badly to be comforted and held, wanting to connect with someone in trust and intimacy....feeling as if that might complete a broken circuit and free me from the frozen, distant, disconnected, and distrusting place I have been in.

:Unfortunately there are very few people I trust anymore-and I recently misplaced it again...thinking I was more important to and understood by someone than I guess I was.

But...now...I found myself in a phone conversation recently with another good friend, and we ended up laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

And I felt this laughter through and through-nothing between me and this feeling I have missed so much.

So, I am sure I will feel tugs at my heart, or moments of anger. I am sure I will continue missing the things about her that no one else will ever be. But I have the most wonderful friends, and I am sure to have lovers in my future who will light up my life with the things that make them unique and special. Maybe I don't have to run so hard now...

I am back with lightness in my heart...which means that I can continue to take NOTHING seriously-and poke fun of things that are socially inappropriate to "poke fun" of. And I can find new and interesting things to lodge in my nose...or whatever it takes to make people around me as amused as I am.

And I am writing a song for HER per her REPEATED request. It is titled, "You smashed my heart through a garlic press, you bitch." It has a lot of minor chord progressions (and a kazoo instrumental).

Catchy, huh? I think it has potential.

The story of fireweed

2009-12-30T15:20:00.001-07:00

I have a fireweed stalk tattooed on my arm-in a pretty conspicuous location.

I was a musician and performed quite a bit, and the fireweed would be visible while I played guitar. When I went back to Alaska a few years ago, I had an award winning female artist expand the design, stretching it around to the back of my arm. I have never regretted it, as this flower means a lot to me.

I have lost sight of this part of myself lately, consumed with pain and anger.

Fireweed blooms in places where most other plants will not grow. It can be found in culverts, on rocky hillsides, in areas ravaged by fire. When traveling Alaska in the summer, the meadows and tundra often look like a blanket of lavender. In the autumn, the leaves turn bright orange, with the tops of the plants a wispy white...and in a field when the wind blows the effect looks like a fire on the tundra. It is beautiful.

Alaska Native legend has it that when the flowers have bloomed to the top of the stalk, winter has arrived. So, this flower serves as a kind of timepiece. On my arm, I try to remember it as my own prompting to carpe diem...seize the day...

I haven't done that in a long time. It is no one's fault, including Nicole's. My rage at being treated badly (and there is no doubt about that), and the unfairness of what occurred, has blinded me to the best parts of myself.

The bottom line is, I loved her and I still do. I doubt I will ever understand what darkness in her (or weakness) allowed her to take the steps that she did, to break her own promises with little apparent remorse, and to make choices that left me in agony with no choices at all. I really had no idea she had lost that much faith, and had completely forgotten who I am-because she didn't share that (or anything) with me.. She must have known it would destroy me, and it is SO hard to reconcile that she didn't care enough about me to be more careful with my heart. Given our history together, and how many times I have put her goals, comfort, happiness before my own-how hard I tried to be there for her-I deserved more (any) respect, and for her to at least allow a break-up to occur within the context of an effort.

I sit in our "this can be a new start" beach house, with a rent I cannot afford, due to her requests to move here."Please get me that beach house! I'll be in the yard all the time. I'll come home. You'll see." I wanted her to be happy. But, I was not happy. Not because of her (I loved her completely)-but because I was not being who I am. I let our chances slip away in the easy distractions, the illusions that belay the pain of unresolved memories, relationships, regrets, failures, a lack of joy in the living of life...and I let her get away with anything. Including giving up on us.

The more I find out about things, the more I realize there are more lies than have been confessed to. Some of the stuff is just heartwrenching. I know she has a conscience, and it must have eaten her alive to come home to me and play the game she did. She still hasn't even told me the whole truth, and I'm not sure if it even matters now.

I am using the court to make some of it right-or at least try. But, I think I may have already settled the score in a pretty decisive way. I haven't drawn anything more than what has been taken from me, I guarantee...and yet, as I knew already, "balancing" things has not given me the peace I had hoped it would. I am not remorseful at this point, but I am also not feeling good about hurting her.

I have a few more decisions to make about things that I know matter to her. I am not sure where my path is leading yet-but I am going to try to remember who I am. I still cry every single day over her, but I also can push her from my thoughts. She is still the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night-but I am not always sobbing when sleep comes. If I really think about what she did to me, I can become both angered and crushed in an instant-and then I am impulsive.

I am trying to find the wisdom in enduring without retribution, and letting her reap superficial benefits while my whole life and heart came apart.
It is a struggle, and she continues to make mistakes with me, and my heart. She hurts my spirit. I can't believe she forgot my eyebrow, and the dream .

But I am who I am regardless of which Nicole wins the struggle inside of her. If there is not more than I see now, then she will eventually be caught by the same sad characteristics that have hurt me. Even that thought doesn't make me happy...because.I love her. I know her. I know her bark and her bite, and I know what pains they really cover. I know her shames, her weaknesses, her hopes, her vulnerabilities..I know what she is most afraid of....and I love her for exactly those things and more.

..and so fireweed inspires me again...blooming in areas ravaged by fire, on rocky hillsides, in forgotten places...

"Just Get Over It"

2009-12-28T01:33:00.008-07:00

Oh look!

That is Coley putting a ring on my finger, and then signing her promise to me. You know...The "For Better or For Worse" one.

The marriage one.

Apparently my having reactions to being lied to and tossed aside has really caused her hair to split, or for her to miss a tanning appointment (or something). She is angry that I did the thing I have stated directly I would do for weeks now. I have been told , "people get new girlfriends all the time. Get over it."

Really? Even if they were married?

Wouldn't a shocked, hurt, angry, desperate reaction be a normal response to abruptly being betrayed by an intimate? Believing the vows, and then making emotional and financial investments as a result might create additional anger, right?

I revealed our secrets. Finally. I did not have to make a thing up.

Coley showed up at my door at 10:00 pm on a Sunday night following my trip to Sacramento. We argued.

She filed a restraining order the next morning at 9am. After she showed up at MY door unannounced.

It compromises my ability to work as a social worker, and I have NOT been violent or threatened violence towards her a single time. In Oregon all you have to do to get an ex-parte restraining order is claim fear-and it will be issued as a precautionary measure.

Yep. I yell pretty loud. Scary.

I texted her with pleas and tried to coerce her into returning to try. Pretty normal stuff for someone who is in love (after being told she was safe and loved in return) and then has to abruptly deal with her wife in someone else's bed...all without warning...lost best friend, partner, lover, advocate...and it was done by the very person I most trusted to defend me.

Yep. I flipped right the hell out.

I was SO WRONG about her.

So, now I am bad for doing what I said I would. She cried over it. Cried over the TRUTH getting out there.

I think she should write a whole blues album. Boo Hoo.Hoo. (insert brass horns and extended bass line here).

It was the truth, and SHE made the choice. She made the choice first by doing what she did to him. She made the choice again when she repeatedly told tales about me to justify her unwillingness to work on her marriage-and for obviously lying to me and cheating. She added insult to injury. I defended myself in a big way.

I am so FAR from being in love with this person now, it is amazing. I feel disrespect and pity for her. I feel she fully deserves the consequences of her actions. At first I felt that little pull...that regret that I did not keep my promise to shoulder the burden alone, and let her return the hero to her brother. It is sad after all.

He deserves to know just how self involved and untrustworthy she can be. Maybe he will forgive his big sister..I actually encouraged him to, and let him know that she loves him more than anything else on earth. I told him she has never forgiven herself for her anger, or forgiven me for allowing it to happen.
But she screwed me without lubricant, and then wanted me to shut up and go away when I complained of redness and chafing. My reactions have been too noisy and irritating. She might get a frown line. She literally THREW me to the wolves so she could save herself.

Dumping me like trash didn't go quite as smoothly as she had planned..

The truth of what she did is NOT MY FAULT. THE WEIGHT AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHO SHE IS, OR FAILS TO BE, IS NOT MY FAULT.

I told Nicole this was coming, that I was done with shielding her, and that I was intending to defend myself if she didn't knock it off.

She tried to claim that sharing information about Clint (her family) was too private and intimate. I suggested that I was also supposed to be her family, and that claiming to love me while publically flaunting an affair might be considered by some to be an intimate violation of the most "private" kind.

I told her I felt emotionally RAPED.

Then she said that coming over "was a mistake" and sped off in a spray of gravel at about 10:10pm.

She filed the order as retribution-and now my my career is at risk.

That is the LAST time I felt even an ounce of compassion for her, or her ongoing sob stories. I could care less.

I'd send it again if I could. And again. And again.

That woman is NOTHING that I admire.

.I used to think she was SO beautiful, even when she had bed head, bad breath, and morning eye boogers.

She literally grosses me out. I'm not kidding. I wouldn't accept money to be with her now...and it has little to do with her outside appearance...although that looks completely different (an very unappealing) to me now.

She will age into emptiness, surrounded by nothing real-with no one looking anymore. Truth rises. It will find her. It is already creeping up.

It is people like Coley who make our world a darker place to be......selfish and unkind, cold and rigid, moody and irresponsible, arrogant and shallow, dishonest and lacking moral compass in social relationships (not just mine).

They call her "Sybil" behind her back. There was a time I would have defended her. "Don't speak about my wife that way."

This person isn't even my friend at this point. I want to erase her nasty presence from my life.

Sand, surf, and sleighbells

2009-12-24T21:03:00.013-07:00

If anyone locally is renting an apartment and paying $700.00 to $800.00 per month-you should seriously consider this place. It is $1,000 per month, but it is worth so much more. It has three bedrooms, an giant office, 2 bathrooms, an entertainment room, an upper and lower deck with views right off the cliffside backyard to the Pacific Ocean below, a backyard that is fenced and huge, a front yard with fruit trees and rose bushes (also huge), a hedged drive that sets the house back from the road with lots of privacy, a private beach trail and access to a gorgeous secluded beach with tidepools, rock arch formations, driftwood, shells, etc. The seals can be seen regularly sunning themselves on the seastacks below. It would be great for two people wanting to split rent, or for a family wanting to make the additional investment for this unique place. I need to get out from under this lease and move on...and I can't do it until I locate someone to take this place. It has been a real dream, but I didn't anticipate the abrupt changes. My life took a left turn at Albuquerque.

I'll bet that is not how you spell that.

If anyone would like to come take a look I might even make tea. Give Jo a call...509-990-6713.

Have a very Merry Christmas! Happy Newt Deer!

The Spell

2009-12-24T17:23:00.006-07:00

Being "in love" is like a spell. It can be broken-but many things are just illusions. We did not have a chance to recast it. That is why counseling was so important-and why the commitment of marriage demanded it. It was a chance. Circumstance, and the insertion of another into a difficult situation-who served to confuse feeliings-have destroyed what was powerful and important to both of us.

Please check out http://coleyzzz.blogspot.com/2005/10/in-sickness-and-in-health.html

Keep scrolling and start reading about halfway through the post.

Amazing how things turn, and life gets in the way.

Gay people have been fighting for the "right" to legal marriage. Not taking it seriously is an affront to their efforts and their risks.

I meant my vows. I just don't understand how they were released so easily by her.

Painful Ending

2009-12-24T13:59:00.004-07:00

I guess given the nature of emotions, people generally do what they need to do-and sometimes our emotions pull us in directions that we can only analyze when far away from the triggers that set them off.

I was completely in love with my wife, and very devoted to her. I craved time with her that never came. I was starved for affection, and touch. I was at a low point in my own self-esteem and destructive patterns (as was she)-I think after over a year of pleading and hoping that our path would soon change. She gave up long before I did. I just didn't know it.

I didn't know it, partially because I think she wasn't entirely clear on it....and partially because she took steps to say the things that would belay my fears. She would become angry if I accused her of cheating. She would remind me that she married me-and no one else. She would say, "I love YOU Jo, and you KNOW me. You are my best friend." She woiuld tell me that cheating is nothing she has ever done, and she could not hurt me that way-it wasn't in her to do that. She would have excuses for coming home after her shift later and later. I would say, "Do you not want to be around me?" She would deny that-and offer excuses about her friends visiting, someone on crisis needing her help, losing track of time. She would say, "What? Am I not supposed to have any friends? Jo. Look at me. I love you."

There are times she would come home and go out of her way to be with me-big smiles and very "mushy"...and in those times I could tell that she meant it when she said, "I'm in love with you Jo. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I really love you." When I would brush her off or be distracted she would say, "No Jo. Look at me. I REALLY love you." It was what I needed to hear.

I thought I was being unreasonable to ask questions or be intrusive about her schedule. Ultimately, I really trusted her and her love for me. Mine was complete and never in doubt. I think she knew that, because I made sure I told her a lot.

She allowed someone in the gate, past the guard that married people put up when thay are attracted to someone. She probably became thrilled with the electricity of interaction-that alive feeling that accompanies mutual attraction and discovery. She started lying about where she was. I didn't have a clue. She was cultivating a tension, a flirtation, an interaction that led to an affair.

Life in a bar (she is a bartender) includes alcohol obviously. That doesn't help in the maintenance of boundaries. The fact that we had been growing increasingly disappointed in ourselves, stagnant, felt trapped in a pattern without hope or passion, were without any real intimacy or communication for a long while....why in the world would someone pull away from the new and exciting-a hope for a dramatic change and leaving the pain behind?

Because we vowed "for better or for worse." That is why-and the fact that we did feel excitement, passion and admiration towards each other at one time, and HAD been happy...that we PROMISED counseling would occur before a final parting...counseling having the ability to change patterns through awareness, to offer insight where none was, open communication again, provide pathways to rebuilding and reconnecting, leading to potential for redescovery of each other, and the chance to feel hope again...THAT IS WHY.

That "in love" feeling often fluctuates in a marriage. Passionate love can change to companionate love. BUT...sparks that were there can re-ignite. A friendship on fire. We had that. But why would anyone go backwards into tough, grueling work when a quick fix and grasp for instant gratification are right there? The only thing that would bind is a promise. That is what marriage is. THAT is what separates "marriage" from any other romantic relationship. The VOWS and promises to exhaust all options beofre giving up on each other.

I was completely unprepared. Apparently Coley had been uncoupling for quite some time. She was ready to give me the boot and run for something else. I was SHOCKED, humiliated, outraged, shamed, scared, on fire with jealousy, and in relentless AGONY. I was surrounded by memories that still meant everything to me, and stunned that in an instant my goals, memories, trust, sense of safety...all were assaulted. By the ONE person I thought was my defender and best friend...who was family to me.

The speed and disregard (as it seemed to me) by which I was brushed aside once the "secret" was out was akin to the thought you might give hauling a bag of trash to a curbside.

I have been desperate in my pain. After all, I am still in total love with this woman (my wife in my heart)-who instantly moved into the house and bed of the object of her affair. I have been burning alive at night-alone, missing her, consumed by total desperate sorrow and aching for her to come home...

In our small town, where both of us are public figures due to our professions, everyone knew she was having an affair before I did. She carelessly flaunted it in public places before coming home to me with lies. It is apparent she was passivley terminating us...wanting to be caught without directly telling me. It was probably much easier to leave someone who is enraged at you then it is to leave someone who is crying and pleading-having to witness their pain and break their heart. But it is cowardice...and it is a broken promise to a lover and best friend.

And now it is so far beyond repair that even friendship will never be possible. In pain and anger, reaction and miscommunication, my emotional outburst and her unwillingness to endure it-each of us has mis-stepped, moved to escalating actions, become defensive...and basically taken a baseball bat to our fragile relationship. It is shattered. It is now in the realm of the court system...court orders and soon to be lawsuits....invaded privacy and revealed secrets...ongoing disrespect...desperate action and reaction on both sides...divided friendships...it is just out of control and only getting worse.

After coming alone to my house at 10:00 pmt to ask me how I could reveal private things to people in our community, she filed a restraining order the next morning. I am a social worker working with vulnerable populations...and in Oregon all you have to do is state that you are "afraid for your safety" and give a rationale, and an ex parte order is granted. It shows up on any background check, and insinuates violence or threats of violence. I have no choice but to challenge it and request it be vacated for lack of cause. I have been less than graceful to be certain, but am NOT a violent person-nor have I had any desire to physically harm Coley or her new interest. I have raged and pleaded, threatened to reveal secrets if she didn't come back to me and try counseling, texted way too much (and often in response to accusatory texts from her or sexually explicit or challenging texts from her younger new partner). I have not driven by their house, gone into her work (with the exception of a time to deliver a baby book to the counter-top when it was raining heavily outside, and the day I found out she was cheating and screamed that she was a liar), stalked her, threatened to hurt her...I did throw her computer off the balcony on an extremely hopeless and angry day, which was unacceptable...and I am completely responsible for that...as I am left with a phone bill reflecting the 251 text messages sent between her and her now girlfriend that apparently stated things (often texted with me in the next room) such as "I want to f@#k you". I am left with a number of bills that were her responsibility...

But that isn't the point. Money is not the point for me. Pride, the ongoing disrespect shown to me, and the current dishonesty in representation of facts are important to me. The fact that I am in love with her as I was supposed to be (now I am not sure why...lingering memories of her unique 'Coleyisms', laughter, shared battles we fought together, intense experiences and happy times I guess) is the point to me.

I miss a thing that is not coming back. I miss our "boys" racing around-our tripod kitty...our Charlie face and paper Chase. I miss our team tackling of problems. I miss having that hope and purpose for our future-even though I knew we needed intervention. I miss her smile, her perfume, her 3,000 pairs of socks. I miss her looking at me when I did something dorky and saying, "why Jo?"

I miss her pulling my socks off when there was a hole in one. I miss her getting stuff from high places for me. I miss our inside jokes....Nut Bitch With Curlers, Hot Pocket, Freakshow, Becky's P., show them your dangle Charlie, Back to you Bob...etc. I miss the familiar issues with her past and other family. I miss the certainty that we would make love again...one never realizes when the "last time" is going to be the "last time." I miss her making fun of my cooking. I miss feeling loved by her. I miss feeling safe, and like I am whole.

So....moving on through this minefield. The bomb already went off in my life with seven simple words following her text response to my reminding her she had JUST asked me if I was having an affair. "Well are you?" she texted. "No. Of course not!" I responded. Then the seven words. "I am. I won't be home tonight."

And she hasn't been.

My marriage is over, and there is nothing I can do.

Visit Ending Soon

2009-08-15T08:13:00.006-07:00

Still lots of fun, coming to the end of the summer stay. Spam is here now, and I want to poke myself in the eye with a BBQ fork.

Little C and I went to the Curry County Fair with grampa. It was lotsa fun. Little C got her face painted for a mere $12,000. I think the lady did a great job.

Of even more interest is the lovely horse painting that C made for my mom's 29th birthday. A lady from my work (I can't identify her, other than a description...she is an older lady in a wheelchair with gray hair and glasses) taught Little C how to do watercolors, including shading. This is C's first effort, and we knew gramma would love it! Little C wanted to do a matting for it, and we looked all over the place. We finally made our own matting from a legal folder.

Anyhoo, today Spam. Little C and I will be going to see "Wildlife Images" in Cave Junction ("Face of the Sun") Oregon. It a wildlife rescue place, and I will try hard NOT to encourage Spam to get a very, very close look at the mama Grizzly Bears.

"That's it...just a little closer...you want to be sure to get a good photo...maybe try from INSIDE the cage..."

I will write more about that another time.

.
For now, I will just try to focus on having a swell time with Little C in between the "kissy lips" moments Spam continuosly initiates with her.

The other photos were taken on Grampa's deck. Notice the Pacific Ocean behind Little C. See those flowers? They will bloom right up into December...

Lava, Oregon

2009-08-09T14:29:00.005-07:00

My parents often talk of "sequences"...that phenomenon where one thing leads to another...

I recently had to fly to Anchorage to help a friend who is very sick. I only had a few days available to take from work, and my return ticket had been booked separately.

I was scheduled to depart Anchorage at 11:20am on Tuesday-returning to work on Wednesday. I arrived at the airport at 10:00am, checked my one bag through to Medford (I was scheduled one stop in Portland to switch flights). My friend and I checked the "departure" board, and my plane was listed as "delayed until 12:00."

So, we dared to go grab a coffee from Starbucks before I braved the airport security line...with the keys in containers and shoes on x-ray conveyor belts. I made my way through the checkpoint, and arrived at my terminal gate at 11:25, thinking I had time to spare....

While in the security line the captain had switched the departure time back to 11:30. They had closed the gate. They were done boarding.

My super sad face and sniffles did nothing to persuade them. But the airline lady (the same one from "Meet the parents" with the stick thingies in her hair) told me "Don't worry. We have flights departing every half hour to either Seattle or Portland. We will get you there eventually."

So, I was put number 39 on a wait list.

Every half hour, after waiting hopefully for my name to be called, the airline agent would announce "This flight is full. All stand-by passengers will be rolled over to flight 137, departing at 12:30 from gate C7" We would all pick up our bags and make our way to C7. We would wait, the flight would fill up, and the agent would announce, "All stand-by passengers will be rolled over to flight 342, departing at 1:00 from gate C12." We would all then pick up our bags and make a group run for gate C12-some folks dragging screaming children (or screaming husbands).

This went on for a number of flights. I made a terrible error of going to have a cigarette with a newfound friend also on the stand-by list. When I went to return we both waited with our boarding passes to go through the security checkpoint again. By this time the security line had been split in two. She took the right. I took the left. I made it to the front of the line, where the security officer looked at my boarding pass for my original flight and said, "This flight has already departed ma'am. I can't let you through. (My friend made it through just fine on her side, and caught the next flight.)

I explained the missed flight stand-by rollover with repeated running through the C terminal, and he expressed empathy with a pouted lip. Then he said, "You can go to the Alaska Air ticket counter and get another boarding pass. Then I can let you through."

So I did (after doing a frustrated interpretive dance entitled, "I would rather be twisting my tongue with corroded pliers than talking to you anymore, and I certainly hope you die soon.")

I waited in line with people checking giant coolers full of fish, prized exotic explosive devices, award winning show dogs, Ulu knives, and a giraffe.

I got another boarding pass for a 3:00 flight to Seattle.

I got on the 3:30 flight, seated next to a woman who was reading "How to Live More Biblically."

I got lost in the Seattle airport.

I finally found an electrical outlet (after disconnecting a coffee cart-because by this time I was angry with Starbucks) to charge my phone. I was put on stand-by for the LAST flight of the evening to Medford. I was number two. If I didn't get on, I would be waiting in the airport until morning.

Coley was already IN Medford to get me, as we had planned to return that evening. She got a hotel, and I waited at the gate-unwilling to move even in the event of a terrorist attack.

I got on the Medford flight because somebody didn't show up. I kissed the boarding agent when he asked "Is a middle seat okay?" I told him I would ride on the wing if he wanted me to.

I arrived in Medford at 11:59am.

They lost my bag.

After laughing hysterically and wishing I had a valium, I made it to the hotel with my carry on bag at 2am.

The next day in Medford broke all heat records, reaching 109 degrees by mid-morning. My little truck came from a more sensible region of the earth, and has no air conditioning. Coley and I re-named Medford "Lava, Oregon."

I spent some time at the Medford airport locating my bag, which had arrived on the first flight of the day from Portland (which I had never made it to.)

Coley and I attempted to drive home after purchasing 6 bottles of water.

In Grant's Pass we realized the water was best utilized by pouring it directly over our heads, which we did repeatedly. In Cave Junction we bought more bottled water to pour on our heads, and an ice-cream from Dairly Queen, which evaporated into vanilla flavored vapor while the worker was attempting to hand it to us from the drive through window.

We re-named Cave Junction "Face of the Sun, Oregon."

We drove on ignoring our skin sticking to every surface of the truck interior-until we hit the redwoods.

Heaven. Sheer, cool, majestic heaven.

I am not sure what the moral of the story is, other than to say that when the airline suggests you arrive two hours early for a flight, go ahead and do that...

...And that bottled water may cost $1.69 each, but when you are in Lava, Oregon with no air conditioning-expense is not a problem.

Catastrophic thinking...

2009-08-07T22:33:00.002-07:00

It is true that I attempted Kayaking on the Chetco river on a very sunny day without sun screen and got 2nd degree burns all over my shins and thighs. It is also true that my feet then swelled up like big puffy water balloons and I had to wear Washington State Cougar slippers to work for three weeks.

It is true that I attempted to use the "Donut of Doom" flotation device at the recommendation of the outdoor market 10 miles up the Chetco-the same market that rented the ridiculous thing to me. It is true that in a river with very little current and a counter-breeze, you will actually go backwards in a big round floaty thing while your friends happily kayak down the river.

It is true that if you hit white water and flip your kayak, it is a SWELLidea to first check under the overturned vessel for the missing keys PRIOR to attempting to search the riverbed in swiftly moving water...as swiftly moving water will rapidly fill your shorts and transport you unwillingly (and upside-down) down the river.

It is true that if you feel that one of your flotation devices is cursed (such as our "Donut of Doom") you probably should exclude that particular device from your truck bed as you attempt to secure the other water crafts in the truck bed for transport to the outdorr market boat rental location. Failure to do this may lead to a kayak shooting from your truck bed in topedo fashion and landing sideways across two lanes on a busy highway. The Donut of Doom will stay fastened securely in the truck.

But.....

It could have been worse.

Can't...bite...down...

2009-07-01T06:29:00.002-07:00

Things continue on a a whirlwind clip...

9 year olds could be the next "renewable" energy source-if we could only harness it. "Monsters Inc." may have been on to something.

Last night, after spending a morning at the KASPER program learning about bees, then going to watch the Vanguard bugle/drum corp., then spending the early afternoon doing art with 80 year-olds (some of whom have been professinal artists and totally enthralled Little C)...Little C thought my idea of planting flower pots to decorate our porch was a swell idea.

So we went to the store, and roamed around for at least an hour choosing plants and pots. Then we came home and Little C (suddenly distracted by the neighbor boys, and taking on a whole new persona that involved a lot of eye rolls and sarcasm directed at mom) watched as I planted, watered and cleaned up the mess...

Then I cooked dinner and ran her a bath. We were lights out at 10:00pm...thank goodness...

$30.00 in flowers later (and a beautiful looking porch to be sure) I am now unable to buy her any more produce until Monday. My grape addict actualy has to loan me $10.00 to keep my account from being overdrawn-after the gas and food from picking her up, and electric bill, and quarterly car insurance, and phone bll, and grocery shopping, and student loan, and child support I pay even when I have her with me...BUT...

Definately worth it!

She gonna wear me out!

Holy squirrel shit, Batman!

2009-06-30T02:12:00.002-07:00

Wow! I am so out of practice!

Sure am glad Little C is here, though. I have done missed her something fierce like.

Kite festival, Renaissance Fair, 4the of July Fireworks, County Fair, camping, hiking, fishing, kayaking, sailboat, swimming in the river, BBQ's, bonfire on the beach, agate hunting, dune buggies, horseback riding, live music, art camp, acting camp, fire safety course, tidepool exploration, gramma and grampa, hike the redwoods, camping...

Gonna be super busy! Yeah!

Glove and Sock

2009-06-25T20:32:00.002-07:00

I am fairly certain that Michael Jackson's other glove was in the same place as all of my missing sock matches. Now I will never be able to ask him.

Quite an amazing talent-whatever else might have been wrong with him...

Eee hee...shamon....

New Bill Would Defend Marriage From Sharks

2009-06-25T03:34:00.005-07:00

Senators 'Taking A Stand' Against Ancient Killer

WASHINGTON DC—Senator Bill Frist (R–TN) introduced a controversial new bill Tuesday that would severely limit the ability of sharks to "mutilate the institution of marriage until it is completely unrecognizable."

"For too long, we've stood by as our most sacred institution has been thrashed, bit by bit, by these amoral predators," said Frist at a press conference, standing in front of a detailed diagram of a great white shark. "Marriage is a union between one man and one woman, and no shark should come between them with its powerful jaws and massive dorsal fin."

Bill S-691, also known as The Protection Of Marital Extremities Act, was co-sponsored by Mel Martinez (R–FL), who said that, as a devoted husband, he would not want his own 25-year marriage to be split to pieces by a shark, and hinted that opponents of the bill were in fact aiding the fish in their "murderous ways."

"Liberals and Democrats would have you believe that sharks pose no threat to married couples," Martinez said. "They tell us that sharks should just be left alone to mind their own business, and they won't do anyone any harm. But we say it's time for those of us with backbone to stand up for what we believe in—before that backbone is torn violently from our torsos by these soulless, underwater killers."

Added Martinez: "Marriage is a sacred institution, but it is also very fragile, especially when coming into contact with the saw-edged teeth of a bloodthirsty bull shark."

The Onion September 19, 2006 Issue 42•38

Landmark Gay Rights Cases

2009-06-23T05:59:00.003-07:00

With New Hampshire becoming the sixth state to legalize same-sex marriage, gay rights have come a long way in the past 100 years. Here are some court cases that have marked key victories for the movement:

1933—O'Malley v. Amalgamated Shirtwaist Inc.: The right of gay people to sign legal documents is upheld

1947—Meyerson v. City of Boulder: The court struck down a local bylaw that required all homosexuals to shout, "Gay coming through," while walking in public

1967—Big Faggot Dave v. United States: Won the right for gay plaintiffs to be protected from offensive epithets when court cases are titled

1973—Miller v. Williams: Reggie Williams was held responsible for $245 in damage done to the car of Scott Miller, a gay man

1972—Martin v. Alabama: Men permitted to hold hands so long as no one is looking

1973—Miles v. Baskin-Robbins: Anyone—anyone—is allowed to ask for up to two sample tastes before purchasing

1990—Marker's Bar and Grill v. Fitzgerald: Stated that gay bars did not have to be named with a poor double entendre

2006—Oppenheimer v. Toomey: Upheld the right of closeted gays to remain trapped in miserable, loveless marriages for the rest of their lives

The Onion June 9, 2009 Issue 45•24

More News in Photos. Back to You Bob.

2009-06-21T13:16:00.005-07:00

Area Bird Creeped Out By Bird Watcher

03.22.00 Issue 36•10

Depressed deer

2009-06-21T12:31:00.002-07:00

So, took a road trip this weekend, and had an absolute blast. Hadn't intended to stay the night anywhere-just go for a drive up the Oregon Coast, have a nice dinner, and then come back...

But...

...It is not fun attempting to drive Highway 101 at dusk or after dark. Coley and I discovered this during our move here-as we traveled in her Toyota Camry followed by an overloaded Budget rental truck driven by a friend...

...from out of nowhere a little deer leapt from the brush and froze-just long enough for us to make eye contact with each other before we slammed on the brakes, swerving wildly and watching in amazement as the deer jumped straight up, did a complete 360, and then bounded off into the forest on the other side of the road...missing certain death by millimeters...

...and us nearly ending up with a Budget truck suppository...

"Deer Crossing" signs are along the highway apporximately every 3 feet (little prancing 'gay' deer silhouttes as my ex used to say)...Coley pulled over and just trembled for a while before we drove on...

...then the "Deer Crossing" signs turned into "Elk Crossing" signs...

...we were next expecting the "Moose Crossing" ones, followed by "Elephants in Road"..."Watch for Water Buffalo"..."Low Flying Pterodactyls Ahead"...

...And we still do not understand why the deer around here are so persistently depressed, throwing themselves into traffic. Coley suggested a big deer Prozac air delivery might be in order. Maybe group counseling?

So, rather than try to brave the dark highway last night, I stayed in Coos Bay and met some wonderful folks, listened to some live music, sang some karaoke...ate some venison...

Oh my...that's the biggest ship I've ever seen!

2009-06-19T22:49:00.001-07:00

And then refuses to call in the morning.

Americans are hosers, ay...

2009-06-18T04:29:00.003-07:00

My international lawyer is bigger than your international lawyer.

Hee hee hee.

Men and their "ships."

News in Photos. Back to you Bob.

2009-06-16T02:24:00.004-07:00

Toby Keith Struggling To Come Up With Rhyme For Ahmadinejad
06.21.06 Issue 42•25

Dang. Hope he will be okay.

Doing my part to deconstruct the gender binary...

2009-06-14T22:17:00.003-07:00

My daughter is coming. I have 8 weeks to de-program her...and invite her to consider that it is okay to want to pursue college, delay marriage and children, pursue a career not typically considered "feminine", get dirty while catching frogs or climbing trees, and have an entire identity that is not defined by any relationship to boys.

Hope I can pull it off.

As I watch the ongoing debates about gay marriage, I am still amazed by the extent to which people really believe that differences between men and women are inherent-as if boys are born with Tonka trucks, and girls with Easy Bake Ovens. Despite so much research to counter the claimes that "children do best when raised by a man and a woman..." (such as evidence that the gender of parents has NOTHING to do with positive outcomes such as completing school, reporting positive self-esteem, avoiding teen pregnancy or drug use...) It is having stable adults in a child's life that appear to be the variable of interest...NOT the gender (or sexual orientation) of the adults.

Gender is a thing that we DO, not a thing that we ARE. It is a "performance", and we are trained to our proper roles from birth. Deviation is punished socially. There are almost NO gender indicators that hold either historically or cross-culturally-but in our culture, those things that we assume are "male" or "female" traits have a taken-for-granted quality. No one even questions most of them.

I would not be on a soapbox about it-if not for the fact that these cultural constructions are used as "evidence" or rationale for limiting equal access...to civil rights, marriage, equal pay, a society where violence against girls and women is not tolerated or considered normal...

It is a world I would like for my daughter. It is another reason that the Jehovah's Witnesses bother me so much...their entire governing body is male, and women do not minister...ever...

Creative Defense Mechanisms

2009-06-14T10:50:00.003-07:00

Although I prefer intellectualization, rationalization and projection...this also seems to be a really good defense mechanism.

Now if I could just do that at work without getting arrested.

Impending doom...

2009-06-14T10:39:00.001-07:00

Somehow, I can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

Perhaps it is because I am seated next to our cat litter boxes.

But no, I think it is more than that...

Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going Fucking Nuts

2009-06-12T06:35:00.002-07:00

HUNTSVILE, AL—Users of the front door at 1418 Sycamore Avenue report the appearance of a common bumblebee ricocheting back and forth between the front and screen doors in a manner described as "pissed." According to witnesses, no one has been able to ascertain how the bee became trapped between the two portals, but it is totally losing it and will absolutely sting someone if it gets out, most likely in the eye. "Look at the size of that thing," homeowner Tony Paris said. "He's just going nuts. Just fly out of there, bee, come on." At press time, the bee was resting for a moment before resuming flipping the fuck out.

The Onion June 11, 2009 Issue 45-24